Why Does Jesus Hate James Dobson?:
Oh, what a bad week it's been so far for we proud and many members of the Family Research Council's Super Duper Prayer Team. The FRC, while adminstratively separate for tax purposes, is for all intents the legislative arm of James Dobson's Focus on the Family. A few weeks ago, the Rude Pundit, under another assumed name, joined the Super Duper Prayer Team, and he receives updates as to what he should pray for every week. Generally it falls into two categories: prayers for or against legislation and prayers for money. We must pray, you know, because, as FRC President Tony "No, Really, I'm Not That Psycho Guy" Perkins wrote to us, "without fervent, sustained intercession we cannot accomplish all that God wants."

This week, the Super Duper Prayer Team was asked to pray against any deals that would leave the filibuster in place: "Please pray for the Senate to end the unconstitutional use of the filibuster against the President's nominees to our courts. Pray that no compromise will be allowed which will let this unprecedented use of the filibuster remain. Pray that Republican Senators will support Senator Bill Frist in his attempts to get an up or down vote on the President's nominees. God expects justice to be the guiding principle of our courts." We prayed, we Prayer Team members, oh, Lord, hear us, how we prayed. But, apparently, not hard enough.

We were also told to pray for the failure of the stem cell research legislation: "The House is considering approving federal funding of human embryo destruction. H.R. 810 is entitled the 'Stem Cell Research Enhancement Act' and would authorize federal funding of the destruction of human embryos after stem cells have been obtained. Pray that this bill would fail." Eyes squinted shut, arms held open, knees bent, we prayed. And the results? Damn.

What a sad week for the Super Duper Prayer Team. With our bottom lips stuck out, our Precious Moments eyes filled with tears of shame, shuffling our feet uselessly, we wonder what we did wrong. We look to our leader, Tony Perkins, and he offers us Hitler implications: "[S]even Republican Senators, playing the role of Neville Chamberlain, threw them overboard in the name of 'compromise.'" No, Tony Perkins, tell us how to pray harder.

Our e-mail o' prayers contains links to relevant Bible verses. Like this one for the filibuster - from Isaiah 10, in the New American Standard Bible: "Woe to those who enact evil statutes/ And to those who constantly record unjust decisions." In King James, it goes a little something like this: "Woe unto them that decree unrighteous decrees, and that write grievousness which they have prescribed." When we're asked to pray for the passage of the Marriage Protection Amendment, we're given the story of the creation of woman from Genesis. It's handy, you know, in case you thought the Bible wasn't about legislation or Senate rules.

But our failure to stop either the compromise or the stem cell legislation can lead us to only one conclusion: Jesus hates Tony Perkins and James Dobson. And really fucking hates them. Hates them so badly that no matter what they make the Super Duper Prayer Team pray, Jesus'll make sure he does the opposite. In fact, Jesus hates us. All of us on the SDPT. What else could be the cause of our inability to block either the Senate or the House from opposing God's will. 'Cause, like, Tony Perkins told us we're doing "all God wants." How much more could God want from us?

Well, apparently, more money for Tony Perkins and the FRC. We've been asked to "Please pray for FRC as we continue to press forward on many battle fronts. Pray that we would have the resources necessary to sustain our efforts and even do more." Now, prayer can only get you so far, but cold hard cash or a well-worn credit card, that'll make the prayer-lovin' action happen. We are admonished to do so with this from Psalm 90: "Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us;/ And confirm for us the work of our hands;/Yes, confirm the work of our hands." (Which, in the King James, reads, "And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us:/ and establish thou the work of our hands upon us; yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.")

Yet, when you read the statement from Tony Perkins on the filibuster compromise, there's no mention of God or Jesus or prayer at all. Well, no wonder Jesus hates him. It's almost Pharisee-like, to cloak your faith in the secular or to cloak your secular desires in words of faith. It's hard to tell which one is the truth.

And it's hard to tell what the lies are anymore. Jesus must hate them, yes, this must be true. For the Jesus they profess to know understands what's in their hearts. He knows them by their works, right?