Live Vodka Shot Bloggin' of the President's Press Conference:
Back in the day, the Rude Pundit used to muse that Bill Clinton would have held a press conference in 1997 or so where he said, "Yeah, I fucked her. And then I turned her over and I fucked her again. And then I called my old friend, Vernon Jordan, and I said, 'Vern, I got the finest piece of intern ass bobbin' on my crank right now.' And then Vernon came over and he fucked her. Then we both fucked her at the same time, high-fivin' each other over her back. And I said, 'You know, Vern, you're gonna have to give her a job when we're all done.' Then we had a big ol' laugh as we sprayed jizz all over her pretty blue dress. Good times. Good times." At least then, you know, we could have just had it out, threw down for our culture war, and clogged the Potomac with the dead, instead of the aching, eternal investigations that degraded us all.

So, hey, man, props to George W. Bush for steppin' out on Saturday to say, "Fuck you. I spied. I'm gonna keep spyin' on ya. And you can't stop me." And now we have the post-Sunday Iraq lookee-here-at-my-big-honest-face talk end o' the year press conference.

The Rude Pundit broke out the morning vodka, turned on his CNN, put his trusty laptop on his lap, took a bracin' shot, and wrote along to the President's halting screeches of agony:

10:32 - Here he comes, walkin' like he just finished a really awesome shit where he wiped his ass with the Constit- Wait - is that powder on the corner of his nose? No - probably toothpaste. Or reflections from the Rude Pundit's Christmas tree of doom.

10:33 - He's just twitchin', wincin', suckin' his teeth. Why does he not have any control of his face? It's like watching one of those rubber monster faces you put over your fingers in the hands of a spastic three-year old.

10:34 - We're two minutes in and he's mentioned 9/11 twice.

10:35 - If the terrorists declared war and we declared war, then when we capture them, aren't they prisoners of war?

10:36 - Talking about the domestic surveillance program outside of any legal precedent, Bush says, "This program is reviewed (by me to make sure I'm working inside whatever horribly tortured definition of "legal" Alberto Gonzales has raped out of the Constitution today) every 45 days." (Parenthetical added)

10:37 - 9/11 mentions #3 and #4.

Man, he talks about the Patriot Act like someone took his wubbie away. He's coming unhinged quickly, early, here, saying, "We cannot afford a single day without the Patriot Act."

10:38 - 9/11 mentions #5 and #6.

10:42 - He's going bonkers about Alito, demanding an up or down vote. So he has use for the Congress when they break out the rubber stamp.

10:44 - Asked about the leak of the domestic spying program, Bush goes nutzoid, paranoid, like "terr'ists" is under the podium, ready to smack his nutsack at a moment's notice. Says, "The fact that we're discussing this program is hurting the country." However, "If I were you I'd be asking me these questions," but revealing the program? "It's a shameful act."

10:45 - He mixed up Saddam and Osama, and, hey, 9/11 mention #7.

10:46 - Bush says his legal authority to spy is from the Constitution and authorization of force against Congress. He keeps talkin' that he took an oath to protect the citizens of the country. But that ain't true. He took an oath to "preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States." People come and go, motherfucker, but the nation remains.

10:48 - He totally lost control of his limbs when dissing the Senate (after not getting a laugh on the difficulty of dealing with legislative bodies in reference to Iraq). "Is this thing on?" would have been less embarassing.

10:49 - He's going insane trying to justify the Iraq war using the election. Okay, getting bored. Vodka not kickin' in. Gonna try to remember the lyrics to Christmas songs for a-wassailin' later. "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head...falalala lala la laaaa."

10:53 - Why is he licking the inside of his mouth? Did this become a Jane Goodall special?

10:54 - Bush says, "An open debate about law would tell the enemy this is what we're doing." Cool. So terrorism prevents open debate. Good thing they're not winning. And, in another great "fuck you" on recording domestic phone calls, Bush says, "We will monitor those calls if we need to."

10:55 - What the fuck's wrong with his jaw? Is it really horrible TMJ or what the fuck ever? Or is it demon coke?

11:00ish - Bush praises the process in Iraq by breaking out that vicious sense of irony he's so well-known for, saying, "Democracies don't go to war; democracies are peaceful countries."

11:02 - Talking to Iraqi ex-pats who visited him in the Oval Office after voting, and who demanded the head of Saddam Hussein instead of a trial, Bush says that he told them that it's important to follow the rule of law, that the legal process is what distinguishes Iraq now from tyranny. Man, can this motherfucker lay down the sarcasm or what?

11:05 - Bush says that "NASA" is monitoring the surveillance program.

11:07 - Let's see if I can remember the words to "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" - "God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing pass this way, remember Christ our savior was born on Christmas day...falalala lala la laaa.

11:09 - In as brave a statement as Bush is likely to make today, he says, "We shouldn't accept nuclear weapons."

11:10 - Ooh, ooh, let's try "Good King Wenceslas" -- "Good King Wensceslas ... falalala lala la laaa." Fuck King Wenceslas.

11:11 - Reporter Peter just pissed off the President by saying that Bush was asserting "unchecked power." Bush nearly jumps over the podium at him, saying, "I disagree with your...it's not unchecked power." He won't let Peter talk; ooh, he's mad now. Bush says that his oath of office is a check, which is not unlike saying that a marriage vow prevents all adultery. And he says that he briefs Congress all the time. As if tellin' 'em what's up is equal to a check on power.

11:12 - Reporter John just tried to give Bush good head by asking him about goals for the new year. It's a softball, man, but Bush just got thrown off his game by Peter. Finally, he gets around to his laundry list and learns to enjoy the slobbity bobbity from John. Until John asks him about the possibility of troops comin' home, then the hummer is over. Bush says, "Nice try. End of your try." What a pissy lil' man our Bush is.

11:17 - Why does he keep thumping the podium? If you can't make a point without banging shit, then why make it at all? Either that or get old school and use a shoe.

11:19 - He's freaking out about the Patriot Act not passing. He's throwing a hissy fit. Someone drag out Bar so he can suckle his mommy's saggy teat.

11:23 - Motherfucker knows how to milk a laugh. But when asked about what plots have been disrupted by domestic surveillance, he won't tell. Says it's secret. Says it'll help the terr'ists. So let's get this straight: the spying's secret. The results are secret. We could have secret places where we bury people alive, but if Bush says it'd hurt the war, we'll never know about it. Fine, fine nation we've become.

11:24 - Boo-yah - 9/11 mention #8 - with crazy ass phone hand gesture.

11:25 - Bush says he hopes we can "feel my passion" about the Patriot Act. Yeah, that Patriot Act is a helluva lay, it'll please ya, tease ya, and make you beg for more. Who wouldn't feel the passion?

11:26 - Could someone ask him why there were no non-domestic-based terrorist attacks on the U.S. until 1993? And none again until 2001? Were we just lucky? Or were the current laws, like, workin'?

11:30ish - And we're done. And only half a bottle gone.

Bush constantly repeated "I understand" or "I fully understand," which is his way of saying, "I don't give a fuck what you have to say." But, shit, at least the year is over for him.