A Surge (in Our Pants):
It is the plaintive sigh of thousands, millions of men every day, faced with the spam deluge that promises them penis enlargement, those goddamned annoying cock elongation commercials on TV, the occasional glance over at the pump while browsing through the latest issues of Tits and Clits or Big Asses Monthly at the porn store. It's a simple desire: "Just a little more, maybe 15 or 20% bigger, and all my problems will be solved." Yes, the deeply held belief that a longer schlong will compensate for every failing in one's life, it's fucked up the heads and lives of many a man.

Of course, the logic is bullshit. The big cock only comes into play once you're alone in the bedroom or bathroom or car or phone booth in Prague on that sidestreet off Straha Nerudova near the Italian embassy (Barbora, tell your sister that the Rude Pundit sends his transatlantic love). But it's got nothing to do with your game building up to the deliciously anticipated sound of the unzip. It ain't gonna make you funnier, better looking, or rich. You know, you can have the greatest tool set money can buy, but if you don't know how to drive a screw, it's all just a pathetic show.

The ludicrous debate over whether or not to have a surge of U.S. troops in Iraq is being approached with all the wishful thinking of any man who has ever received his package of peter pills in the mail. Besides, who are you gonna trust at this point? The Joint Chiefs of Staff - you know, the generals- or the President? Discredited idiots like Robert Pollock of the Wall Street Journal, who said as recently as September that he has no regrets about a policy of invading countries for "regime change," or desperate neocon savages like Frank Gaffney, with Israel crammed so far up his clenched ass that he wants a surge and an attack on Iran?

Nothing's stopping the decline into darkness in Iraq. Not a surge, not a further hacking away at our broken military. This ain't golf, although the rich executives running our country would like to take a mulligan. Because, see, you have to fuck a partner with the cock that you have, not the cock you might want.