For the Family Research Council, Only Sex Matters:
It may be the saddest Prayer Target e-mail that the Rude Pundit ever received from the Family Reseach Council (motto: "Simmering with barely sublimated sexual repression for over a decade"). The Rude Pundit is a member of the FRC's Super-Duper Prayer Team, and every week he receives his prayifyin' orders from FRC President Tony Perkins, giving the SDPT ways to focus our random spray of godly beseechings. Usually, Perkins gives us the targets of our prayer arrows with smarmy self-assurance. Not this time. No, the whole thing smacks of desperation, for indeed, the religious right is flailing around like a just-caught trout in a dry bucket in the sun.

See, maybe, just maybe, the Rude Pundit thinks, we oughta be ejaculating our Jesus jizz on the mountainous tits of the war dead and wounded, of the poor and uninsured, of the victims of genocide, of the ongoing man-made destruction of the God-created earth. Nope. With one exception, for Perkins and the FRC, it's all about the fucking. Same song, next verse with these people, all the time.

"It is a wonder that educated men and women, ambitious to serve their country, can be blind about issues like the sanctity of human life, marriage and the family, the Islamist and homosexual threats," Perkins whines. "This is an hour in which God-fearing Americans must be extremely alert and stay very close to the Lord." The headlines have been against conservative Christians lately, with the public deciding, in large numbers, that the shit evangelicals care about is worthless, and Perkins is goin' hardball: "Our nation is in serious jeopardy. God will separate the sheep from the goats on Judgment Day, but here and now each of us is called to be a lover and advocate of Truth." And then Perkins gives the Super-Duper Prayer Team a good reacharound: "Your ministry as a prayer warrior could not be more important."

Aw, yeah, motherfuckers, the Rude Pundit's a prayer warrior now, sportin' his mighty Glock o' God's Love. And, according to Perkins, it's time to go out on the shootin' range and blow holes in those who use their holes and blowing abilities for un-Jesusly purposes. We gotta stop the homosexual agenda, like we do every week (no, really, every goddamn week the SDPT is told to pray that God'll stop the "homosexual threat" to America. At some point, after years of this prayerturbation, it should probably occur to someone that God doesn't really give a shit about who's fuckin' who.), and we gotta make sure that the fucking stops and that all the little babies is bornified.

We gotta pray "that a strong majority of Americans will come to reject the use of human embryonic stem cells for research but favor the use of adult stem cells," we gotta make sure that the FRC's lawsuit against the Food and Drug Administration over the morning-after pill is successful, and we gotta pray for abstinence. Oh, yeah, Perkins is all upset that a study said that the kids are gonna fuck no matter how much you tell 'em, "Don't you be fuckin', you kids, you."

Perkins admonishes, "This is spiritual warfare." That would be the funding of abstinence education programs, not, you know, the treatment of veterans. "Pray that truth will prevail over faulty studies. May the common sense of parents prevail over the agendas of social engineers! May abstinence programs, which require, not a few years, but a permanent commitment to work, be increasingly, not decreasingly funded."

The only non-fuckin' prayin' we gotta do this week involves "The Islamist Threat Abroad," where Perkins, in attacking Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer for going to Syria and Egypt, conveniently avoids the fact that Republicans have been talkin' to the Islamicals. No, it's only Democrats whose "outrageous trips undermined the President's authority and raise constitutional questions." The SDPT is ordered to "Pray for our troops on the foreign field who are being 'stabbed in the back' after offering their lives in the service of our country."

In other words, you heathen bitches, no prayers for peace. Just war and no fucking. It's enough to make Jesus wanna tell 'em to roll that stone back and let him stay dead.