Why Bill O'Reilly Ought To Be Sodomized With a Microphone (Kos Edition):
Oh, sweet Bill O'Reilly, you of your various factors, what men and women of straw must you create each week to set aflame and hope that the smoke distracts your senior citizen viewers? It must be difficult, dear Bill, to keep finding the strength to tie together the bundles and light the torch. Yes, yes, what glee at long last, to have the head of Ward Churchill on your mantle, how you celebrated with a Talking Points editorial titled "The Demise of Ward Churchill," which seems to imply his death, but you only meant his career. 'Tis amazing, truly, yes, the way such threatening statements can simply be metaphors.

And how you danced your hideous jig of triumph when Amanda Marcotte and Melissa McEwan stepped down from the campaign of John Edwards because you revealed to your shocked Abe Simpson-esque audience that bloggers are sometimes profane and caustic. Your neighbors must have cringed hearing your pained yowls of ejaculatory glee echoing through the night sky.

But that's naught compared to the favorite bugaboo of the right, commenters at left-wing blogs. Sweet mercy, how tender ears and eyes must be unduly protected if they come across the one in a thousand or so comments on Daily Kos that are oh-so mean, some even containing bad words or photoshopped images. Oh, the comfort of hyperbole, of egregious moral equation, where an Internet website mostly devoted to news analysis and political strategizing is the equivalent of an army that rounded up people and shipped them to camps where they were murdered by the score or to a group that lynched, castrated, and burned black men. Tell you what, dear Bill, when a gathering of Daily Kos writers in blue robes and hoods hangs a conservative from a tree, we can talk. (Oh, and by the way, the Rude Pundit's met David Duke and he's met Markos Moulitsas. Duke is much taller. Oh, and way creepier. Oh, and he wants to deprive non-white people of their civil rights. Moulitsas would like a government that doesn't advocate torture. It's a fine, but critical distinction.)

Sure, Bill, sure, you got JetBlue to weasel out of its sponsorship of Yearly Kos, but that's not enough for you. Now your mission is to get Democratic candidates to bail on speaking at the conference. Why? Is it out of heartfelt concern for Democrats? Or is it revenge for the Dems bailing on the Fox "news" debate because Kos and other sites pointed out the whole thing smacked of a set-up to degrade the candidates, like, you know, trying to embarrass them out of speaking at Yearly Kos?

So far in this little battle, oh, Bill, you've denied that hateful comments are featured on your website, despite the very clear fact that they are. And you promised on Tuesday to discuss "The Difference Between Liberals and the Far Left," but you never did say what distinguishes them. One can surmise that, to you, a "liberal" is Joe Lieberman and the "far left" is anyone who disagrees with you.

But, seriously, Bill, let's face facts here. Even Markos would probably say you are making much ado about a big nothing, although nothing's wrong with jacking up the traffic to the site. See, for the left, this is a distraction. We have a nation to save, so mostly we don't give a fuck what the Freepers or the O'Reillyites say, except when a comparison is needed. All the right has is the shards and shreds of an ideology and movement that blew up in their faces, like George W. Bush was a suicide bomber whose pack went off early. (Is that hateful? Well, fuck it. It was said out of hate.) What the fuck else are you going to attack, dear, sweet Bill O'Reilly? Sure, you'll find something, some crumb to tell your audience is a delicious loaf of bread. But Hillary Clinton's communications director was right when he said, "[T]he days where you can dictate where Senator Clinton and other Democrats go, who we talk to, are over."

And you know he's right, Bill. You're the media equivalent of a crack whore. You know about whores, eh, Bill? A crack whore sucks cock and lets herself get fucked in the ass because she needs that crack to keep herself sane. The problem is that the more cock she sucks and takes in the ass, the crazier she gets, the more crack she needs, and, because she's a pathetic crack whore, the kind who refuses any help, she'll suck off anyone waving a fin in her direction, getting lower and lower on the cock food chain until all that's left is blowing hobos for quarters, and no one who's got any respect is gonna bother looking in her direction.

Welcome to the issue gutter, Bill. Have a seat next to the rats, the garbage, and your fans.