Live Whiskey-Blogging the President's News Conference:
The Rude Pundit is gonna stick by the Evan Williams despite all the suggested whiskeys from alcoholic rude readers who apparently have deeper pockets than him. So straight up, into the shot glass, the first pour goes in heady anticipation of one more hour or so spent with the President. Ah, the initial burn, always in there, that gets your insides warmed up and ready for a long evening of sipping.

8:01: There he is, and it's getting a little less shocking to see our President walk out purposefully without it looking like an effort.

8:02: Right out of the gate, it's "fuck you" press corps. Obama is leaping over them straight to us.

8:03: Barack Obama is a no-nonsense motherfucker. There's no goofy winks at reporters. In fact, now that we've moved from homeowners to toxic assets inside of two minutes, the Rude Pundit's pretty sure that Obama thinks we're a lot smarter than we actually are. Hey, thanks for the compliment, but slow down there, Slim.

8:05: This is why we elected him and it's what the Congress needs to get its tiny little heads around: because we trust that he understands all this shit, the interconnectedness of all the issues, the vast betrayals of the middle and working class by the moneyed class. We want him to take care of it, go be a leader, and leave us alone for a little while. 2010 ain't that far.

8:07: But the media, of course, doesn't want that. They tell us reductive shit like "more authority" for some government official without context so that it sounds way more outrageous than it actually is.

8:09: See, as far as bargain whiskeys go, you're really not gonna do better than EW. It's rich, with the illusion of weight, even, like a syrup, an elixir. Yes, the Rude Pundit's got a head start before this press conference started.

8:10: Jennifer Loven asks why "we" should "trust the government" with that "authority." It sounds insidious, evil, even, like Tim Geithner is sitting there, rubbing his hands, saying, "Excellent." Actually, that'd be Hank Paulson.

8:11: Chuck Todd wonders why Americans aren't asked to sacrifice for this "war" that - what? The credit market is waging on us? If it's a war, can we burn the AIG building and put some derivatives in mass graves? Isn't the point that we're being forced to sacrifice all kinds of shit? C'mon, Chuckwagon, you can do better.

8:13: You gotta miss the dogs chasing the chuckwagon. Those pathetic, ambitious fuckers always thought they'd be eating grizzled horse drivers for lunch, but all they ever got was dog food.

8:18: On the budget, he wants it all: health care, cap and trade, etc. He's bottom lining this shit.

8:19: Boo-yah. He pimp slaps Republicans for leaving him a trillion something dollar deficit to wrestle with. And then he makes the economic case for investment in education, environment, science, and more. "We haven't seen an alternate budget," he tells Chip Reid of CBS, saying that Republicans are haters, not players.

8:23: The Rude Pundit's glad the reporters are pressing Obama. Because that's what they should fucking do. But any one of these fuckers who sat with their thumbs up their asses while Bush lied to their faces should be whipped out of DC and sent back to reporting on the new Tempe, AZ, fried prairie dog stand.

8:26: Drug wars on the U.S.-Mexico border suck, sure, and the vast number of innocent people, especially young women, kidnapped, murdered, tortured, is beyond awful. Wonder what easy, money-making change in law could end the power of the cartels?

8:28: Oh, shit, he said something about guns. Freeper heads explode, Rush Limbaugh writes half his show for tomorrow, Sean Hannity rubs one out in glee.

8:29: What did Johnny Hair-Gel just ask? Some things in the budget are untenable? The Rude Pundit was distracted by the magical, glistening sheen coming from Johnny's black plastic helmet of hair.

8:30: But more important than Obama addressing the corrupting role of lobbyists in the defense procurement process: he's wearing a flag pin. We're safe. Sweet Jesus, we're safe.

8:32: Ed Henry asks if Obama is just being whiny about the deficit he came in with if he's gonna run up more. It's a fair cop. But the President's turned it around and made it about how to save money in health care by putting money up "on the front end" in order to save money "on the back end."

8:35: He's also turned it back on those who want to stall his plans, saying they want to make America a bunch of retards owned by the Chinese. And, you know, he's not wrong.

8:36: "It took a couple of days because I like to know what I'm talking about." Yeah, this still takes some getting used to.

8:37: The Rude Pundit loves the look Obama gives Major Garrett of Fox "news," as if indulging a particularly articulate toddler asking what he'd pick if it was between ponies or nail guns.

8:39: He says that the world doesn't think that America sucks as much anymore now that he's president, another nice little slap at Bush-Cheney.

8:40: No regrets on his tax policy proposals, and he explains it plainly, clearly, as if explaining to a group of junkies how it's perhaps better to get off the junk.

8:42: The whiskey doesn't lose its edge. Sure, the smokiness sometimes masks the bite, but it's that sharpness is still there behind the smooth.

8:44: What the fuck? A real question about poor people? About homeless people? How fucking long has it been since any president was asked about people in poverty? Reagan? LBJ? Obama even seems to give a shit, addressing homeless vets in particular.

8:46: Ann Compton asks if Obama being black has affected anything since he became president. But, really, when's the last time anyone other than the stupidest of our species has actually given a flying rat's fuck about Obama's race?

8:48: Embryonic stem cell research question. We're into the moral shit now, the kinds of things that are actually distractions right now, like the questions you ask on a first date about what was the last good concert your date went to or if they like whiskey straight, mixed, or on the rocks.

8:52: Palestine/Israel question. Bored. Just tell us when something happens that doesn't involve missiles.

8:54: Wait - did he have Palestinians and Israelis to the White House on St. Patrick's Day? Is that supposed to make sense? Did Ehud go bragh?

8:56: Obama throws down with what is obviously a planned final speech, that shit's not gonna be done right away, that it takes more than two months for something to happen.

By the way, someone's been working on his "umms," and maybe we can finally put to rest the idiocy that he can't talk without a teleprompter.