The Huckster Filibuster

The Huckster Filibuster:
So the latest Republican huckster, Republican Senator Ted Cruz from Texas (motto: "Believe us, many of us here are really, really sorry that Ted Cruz is in the Senate"), who is essentially Sarah Palin with a dick and some Ivy League sheepskin, took to the floor of his workplace and yammered on for 21 hours about how terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad Obamacare is going to eat your children's souls before performing analingus on your wife. He received an occasional assist from desperate-to-be-relevant-again Marco Rubio, Floyd-the-barber-voiced Jeff Sessions, and the corpse of James Inhofe, among others. But it was the Ted Show (or, ha, ha, "Ted Talk"), a chance for Cruz to drop his pants and jack it in front of the fat faces of his slack-jawed teabagging worshippers so they could fight to the death to get a chance to gobble his righteous ejaculate. Rand Paul wept.

It wasn't a filibuster, oh, no, despite what some have said. A filibuster disrupts things. A filibuster causes bills to fail, like Wendy Davis's in, hey, look, Texas, even temporarily. No, Young Ted Cruz got his permission slip signed by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who allowed him to make his mighty stand of mighty nothingness. Why? Either so Reid wouldn't have to listen to Cruz whine about being silenced or because Reid is a sadistic motherfucker who wanted to put Cruz through his paces.

And what a speech it was. You've heard, perhaps, about his reading Green Eggs and Ham to put his kids to sleep (no worries about that). Or perhaps his Star Wars and Ashton Kutcher references (not in the same breath). But that's the blatantly crazy shit. There was so very much more that was actually on-topic that sank like rhetorical turds in a toilet of Cruz's own making.

Here he is positing what TV pundits would have said about the American Revolution: "I guarantee that all of the pundits we see going on TV and intoning in deep baritone voices: This cannot be done–if we were back in the 18th century, they would be writing messages in dark ink and sending it by carrier pigeon, saying: This cannot be done. You can’t stand up to the British Army. It can’t be done. It is impossible. Accept your subjugation. Accept your taxation without representation. Accept that this is impossible."

You know, the Rude Pundit just got his degrees from public universities, but he's pretty sure that political pundits and analysts have been around since, oh, some dude first told everyone in the cave that Ug-Ug's monetary plan of rocks and twigs was not going be enough to stimulate the Neanderthal economy. There were newspapers in the 1770s. They didn't have to use pigeons. They did have editorials. And some of them were pro-revolution and some of them were royalist.

And Cruz is proud of his friendship with Representative Louis Gohmert of Texas (district motto: "Suck on our Gohmert, Umerka"): "Congressman Gohmert is a very close friend of mine. We have been together on a lot of things. I was visiting with him. He is in the Chamber right now and would like to share some of the things that are happening in his district, which is eastern Texas." Yes, the people of Rape a Raccoon, Texas are so fucking wise that they sent Louis Gohmert to DC.

The peak of Cruz's construction of Horseshit Hill was not that he didn't even come close to his pledge to speak until he could no longer stand up. No, it was his constant drum-beating that "the people" are against the Affordable Care Act. As far as Cruz is concerned, unheeded millions are crying out to him: "I want to stand and fight for the more than 1.6 million Americans who signed a national petition against ObamaCare and to the millions more who did not because they were told by a politician it is not possible–don’t even try to fight because it is not possible."

So Senator Ted Cruz wants to change the law of the land because he believes a majority of people want it changed? And where was he when polls showed that 90% of people, including a vast majority of Republicans and gun owners, wanted expanded background checks on gun purchases? Was he trying to get his fellow Republicans in the Senate to go along? Was he telling Louis Gohmert to pause while sodomizing a donkey in order to vote for such a bill?

Nope. Motherfucker was attempting to filibuster it. When Sean Hannity asked Cruz about it on Fox "news," Cruz didn't say, "Obviously, few issues have unified the country as much as universal background checks, so obviously I will be for it." No, instead he was dick: " I think it's wrong that politicians try to take advantage of their [the families of Newtown's victims'] suffering not to actually fix the problem, but instead to push the same anti-gun agenda they had before this tragedy." Or, in other words, fuck what everyone wants.

Apparently, it doesn't matter that the Affordable Care Act was debated and passed by the House and Senate. It doesn't matter that Republicans couldn't defeat Barack Obama in 2012 despite so many people being so very against the care that bears his name. It doesn't matter that the ACA was almost entirely upheld by the Supreme Court. No, what matters is what Young Ted Cruz wants. Now it's his push to deny people access to health insurance, desperately trying to stop the achievement that will render his party and his beliefs irrelevant.

Within a couple of hours of Cruz finishing his wanking, the Senate voted to go ahead with discussion of the continuing resolution the House sent over, as if Cruz hadn't sucked in a breath.