The Rude Pundit's Most Splendiferous Haiku Review of 2013 (Part 1)

The Rude Pundit's Most Splendiferous Haiku Review of 2013 (Part 1):
Yes, sir and ma'am, it's the end o' 2013, a year where we were trapped between the radiant angels of progress and the shit-stained ogres of regression. LGBT rights? Step up. Abortion rights? Two steps back. Health care? Forward. Income equality? Gun control? Privacy? Ten paces backwards. The Rude Pundit ain't got the time to recapitulate it all in tidy summaries. So let's make a mess of it with a bunch of sloppy-ass haiku, some from him and some from loyal rude readers. He'll start and then turn it over to the teeming masses, who made the Rude Pundit trawl through some 200 little poems to find the best ones.

What You Don't Know Can Hurt You
If you think Snowden
Is the story, you deserve
To get your ass probed.

Climate Change I
A typhoon gobbles
The heated oceans like our
Congress sucks crude cash.

Climate Change II
Pope Francis told flocks
To love thy neighbor. Jesus,
For once, did not weep.

And now a few from the mighty email inbox (with some spelling and other errors corrected because, fuck it, because):

From Jim-buh from Ciudad de Buenaventura:

Cowering white males
Fellate yellowed policies
And hope for no rain

From Rabbitearz in Los Angeles:

Paula Deen is not
Niggardly when it comes to
Butter and trans fats.

From Linda in Illinois:

Joe McCarthy fucked
Rats. Now he has grandchildren
Who look like Ted Cruz.

From DS in Toronto:

Rob Ford voters know:
"One of my drunken stupors"
Explains my ballot.

From Max R.:

When Apple Maps sucked,
Did Fox say, "See? The private
Sector can't do shit!"?

From Sasha in San Francisco:

Mandela is dead.
At least he lived to see both
Maggie and Ron die.

Tune in later today and tomorrow for more compact memories of the year that's dying tonight.