Bush Speaks, Lincoln Rolls:
First off, having George W. Bush dedicate a library to Abraham Lincoln is like having David Duke dedicate a civil rights museum. It's like having James Dobson dedicate a Kinsey collection. It's like having . . . well, shit, you get the idea. It just ain't right. But because you have to dedicate presidential libraries with the President you have, not the President you want, so it was that President Bush spoke at the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library yesterday.

The speech was going on nicely and tritely with the usual blah, blah, blah "Lincoln good; slavery bad" kind of crap: "Lincoln was morally offended by what he called 'the monstrous injustice of slavery itself.' And he believed the permanent acceptance of the institution of slavery would represent the end of the American ideal. He would not accept that our new world of hope and freedom must forever be a prison for millions."

Then, because Bush's ego is a Lovecraftian monster that must devour all things living and dead, the speech began to creep into a how-to guide on using the dead President to justify the policies of the living one: "President Lincoln sought every reasonable political compromise that might avoid war -- but he did not believe America could surrender its founding commitments and remain the same country." See? Get it, you stupid fucks? Bush is sayin' that, you know, he's just like Lincoln. Didn't Bush try every reasonable compromise before getting into war? Don't you remember it that way?

But if you didn't get the implication, well, then Bush brought it all back home for you. Bush posed a few obvious rhetorical questions, the kinds of questions you could ask a comatose patient because you already know the answers: "Are some, because of birth or background, destined to live in tyranny -- or do all, regardless of birth or background, deserve to live in freedom?" Well, shit, there's a conundrum - do people "deserve" freedom or tyranny? What's that you say, comatose patient? You think they should live in freedom? Good choice, comatose patient.

Then Bush ripped off the stovepipe hat and dark mole to reveal that, after all, the subject of the speech was, no shit, George W. Bush: "Our interests are served when former enemies become democratic partners -- because free governments do not support terror or seek to conquer their neighbors. Our interests are served by the spread of democratic societies -- because free societies reward the hopes of their citizens, instead of feeding the hatreds that lead to violence . . . Sometimes the progress of liberty comes gradually, like water that cuts through stone. Sometimes progress comes like a wildfire, kindled by example and courage. We see that example and courage today in Afghanistan and Kyrgystan, Ukraine, Georgia and Iraq. We believe that people in Zimbabwe and Iran and Lebanon and beyond have the same hopes, the same rights, and the same future of self-government." You get it now? Lincoln freed the slaves. Bush freed . . . who now? Well, that's beside the point when one can define "liberty" with the amorphous consistency of a street whore's price for a blow job.

But to make sure we understood Bush's place in history, he put himself in a continuum of presidents who faced adversity "after the second day of Gettysburg; even on December 8, 1941; even on September the 12th, 2001." And then he ended by saying, "See? Lincoln talked about God, so I can too": "In his example, we are reminded to be patient and humble, knowing that God's purpose and God's justice will break forth in time." Then Bush pulled out Lincoln's skull and fucked the spot where the bullet went through, shrieking, "Lincoln was a Republican, Lincoln was a Republican, yee-haw."

Prior to that, Bush spoke about Lincoln's early days, his "humble beginnings," if you will: "Before history took notice, he earned money as a storekeeper, a surveyor and a post master. He taught himself the law." And perhaps the irony was not lost on the gathered crowd, that this son of privilege, who never suffered a day in his life, who had servants hired just to buff his balls after a bath, was allowed to even speak the name of Abraham Lincoln, who, faults and all, sought to keep together a nation that George Bush and the current Republicans are trying to desperately to tear apart.