The FRC Says That Jesus Wants Samuel Alito on the Supreme Court:
The Rude Pundit's been catching up on his mail under his nom de rude, the moniker he uses to subscribe to splendiferous newsletters and informative spam from the right. Mostly what he's learned from doing a little bit o' molin' about is that, for the conservatives of this country, a)wiretapping is good; b) George Bush is good; c) liberals are bad; and d) who wouldn't wanna fuck Dick Cheney? Really, the level of most of this occupies some foul nether region between "ridiculous" and "bullshit."

However, none are as absolutely filled with entertaining directives than the updates from the Family Research Council's Super-Duper Prayer Team, which you can join, too. The FRC sends a weekly "Prayer Team Target" e-mail, telling all of us fine, fine Super Prayerers what we need to make sure God and/or Jesus hears it in large numbers. It's the annoyance theory of deistic intervention: so many people pray about something so often that God says, "Okay, okay, fuck, whatever you want, just shut the fuck up already." Last week, the Rude Pundit was given daily marching orders on how and what to pray for when it comes to the nomination of and hearings for Samuel Alito.

Along the four-day journey that was the impenetrable lightness of being Sammy Alito, the Super-Duper Prayer Team was constantly implored to reach out to God and/or Jesus to throw down in the confirmation hearing:

On Day One: "Please set aside time daily to cry out to God that His will be done. God, alone, knows the heart of men. But we are charged with making the best decision we can with the data at hand. Judge Alito, by every reasonable measure, is a man who cares about the Sovereignty of God, constitutional integrity, marriage, the family, the sanctity of human life, religious freedom - things any judge should revere," we were told, even after our Prayer Target letter opened with "While FRC has not officially endorsed Judge Sam Alito," which is not unlike saying, "I'm not sure I like sucking cock" while deep throating a 10-incher. No one can hear you 'cause your mouth's so full of cock.

It continued, "May our Senators and the American people, especially Christians, be fully engaged in getting to know this man, and may Your people cry out in prayer to you during the next 21 days for mercy." The Rude Pundit's gotta catch up on his crying out fer mercy, since he's behind on his 21-day obligation, the first week taken up with a pot and tequila binge that left him, more often than not, praying to gods more porcelain than divine. The Rude Pundit blames the Democrats' performance at the hearings. And, well, shit, why not, Jesus.

On Day Two: we're told to "Pray for Judge Sam Alito, that he will rest well tonight, and that he will arise refreshed to face the new day. This has been a grueling day for him and his family," and, apparently randomly seeking the word "sleep" in the Bible, the e-mail cites Psalms 127:2. And then we're told to pray for higher ratings for the cable news networks: "Pray that the American people will watch the proceedings on TV and that they will see just how out of control the judiciary has become and how determined some in the Senate are to see the court impose public policy upon America that could never be enacted by Congress."

On Day Three: It is the Day of Martha's Tears. Get it? Martha wept. Just like...well, fuck, you know. And the FRC's Tony "You Know I Played Other Parts Than Norman Bates" Perkins wants us to remember dear Martha: "Pray for Alito's Family: his wife Martha, college-age son, Philip and younger daughter, Laura - that they may have supernatural peace and strength to endure." That's right. We "Praying Friends," as Perkins calls us, need to give Alito's family superpowers - not cool superpowers like flying or heat vision or bone-breaking vaginal walls. No, just super peace and super endurance, like makin' some kind of meditating monk an ultra-monk. Seems like a waste of valuable prayer time.

On Day Four: Perkins informs us that Democrats are bad. He's been doing it all week, citing verses that talk about liars or evil people to support his point of view, which is "Democrats are bad." And then there's the request to we Praying Prayer People: "Pray that the Democrats will allow the process conclude as planned; that a Committee vote will occur on the 17th and a full Senate vote on the 20th. May Alito be easily confirmed as our newest Associate Justice on the U.S. Supreme Court." D'oh. Guess the Rude Pundit should have checked his e-mail earlier. Perkins cites Psalms 75:5-7, which, after talking about "promotion" coming not from any direction, concludes, "But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another." Which would seem to put aside the whole idea of "Supreme Court" and thus nullify the entire affair, but the Rude Pundit ain't Tony Perkins; he's but a simple Praying Prayer guy.

On Day Five: Easy prayers for the end of the hearings - "Pray that there would be no delay and no filibuster...Pray that Alito will be overwhelmingly confirmed when the Senate votes. May he be on the Court by the time President Bush delivers his State of the Union Speech...Pray for Revival and Reformation among the American people, without which gains toward righteous government will be short-lived." Yes, for the FRC there is no righteousness without revival. We wallow in filth, pigs at unholy troughs, when we attempt to be a secular nation.

The Family Research Council declares in ads that Alito is "one of us." In other words, the prayers have been answered, as they were with John Roberts. Jesus loves Alito. If you don't love Alito, you must not love Jesus. Simply syllogisms for illogical times.

The Super-Duper Prayer Team is now at rest, to be ready, one assumes, for the titanic amount of prayin' we're gonna have to do when the debate over Alito begins. For if we deny Alito, we deny God, the FRC is saying. And if we deny God, well, then we haven't got a prayer. Who'll bless America then?