The Stinking Corpse of Tom DeLay:
Would someone please call Haley Joel Osment so that he can tell Tom DeLay that he's dead? 'Cause, really, and, c'mon, there's few things in this world more genuinely disturbing than watching a corpse decay, although it's awfully hard not to wanna pull up a lawn chair, break out the Bud, and watch Tom DeLay rot.

Sure, sure, one could prop up the corpse of Tom DeLay, seat it in a chair, near an air conditioner in a congressional committee room, perhaps even, if one has a sense of irony, in the same chair as the deceased Duke Cunningham, soon to be starring in "Let's Repeatedly Sodomize Duke Cunningham's Corpse" at a California prison.

But, still, Washington gets ridiculously hot in the spring and summer, so before long, no matter what, Tom DeLay's corpse is gonna end up stinkin' up the joint even more than when Tom DeLay was still alive. Tom DeLay's corpse is gonna go through all the horrific processes of decomposition. The enzymes and chemicals left in Tom DeLay's corpse will essentially chew up his organs and spit them out. Yeah, it's gonna be shocking when Tom DeLay's corpse is in the House Appropriations Committee meeting room and it starts to liquefy, as corpses do, leaking his large intestine all over, say, Kentucky's Anne Northup. And what's John Murtha, who is, without a doubt, a badass motherfucker, gonna do when, perhaps, Tom DeLay's corpse spills his spleen? One good kick in the gut from Murtha, and there's a good chance that Tom DeLay's bloated cadaver would explode, expelling gelatinous rot over the entire Congressional body.

Yes, corpses are filled with bacteria that eat the tissues of the body after death and eventually Tom DeLay's not just gonna bleed out through his orifices, but through the broken down skin tissues. One tear on the corpse of Tom Delay's tender, thinning skin, and Tom DeLay's corpse will leak like a water balloon jabbed with a knife.

There's a good 20 or so gallons of viscous goo that'll bleed out of Tom DeLay as his stinking corpse putrefies. And that's not to mention the other unpleasant and downright disgusting shit that's everyone's gonna have to watch if Tom DeLay's corpse stays above ground: Phorid flies are gonna get into that rotting meat of Tom DeLay's corpse, feeding on it and laying eggs, which will hatch and devour parts of Tom DeLay's corpse. And if those flies bite others in Congress, the diseases of Tom DeLay's corpse may spread, leading to madness, diarrhea, and more corpses. Yep, flies, maggots, beetles, ants crawling out of Tom DeLay's eye sockets. It's only natural, you know.

Otherwise, there's only the smell of Tom DeLay's corpse, which, burst open or just sitting there, will permeate the whole capitol. Tom DeLay's corpse will have the shit smell of hydrogen sulfide, of methane, of other gases. Just catch a whiff of Tom DeLay's corpse and you'll understand the corruption of the body.

The only solution, then, is to embalm that fucker and put Tom DeLay's corpse in the ground. Bury it so that at least it can fall to pieces where we don't have to watch it anymore.