It's all about the sex

Actually, it's all about sucking dick and taking it in the ass. [Thanks, Rude Pundit, for giving me the forum to unleash that lovely coarse sentence.]

That's what it all boils down to for the fundies who spend days and nights thinking about homosexuals, you know, gay people men.

I spend quite a bit of space over at my pad, Pam's House Blend (and my other haunt, Pandagon) chronicling the endless parade of clowns of social conservatism, ass-backward religious hypocrites and homobigoted, homoerotically obsessed bible-beaters.

These folks are engaged in a holy war about the cock and where it goes, how often it is in action and whether the baby Jeezus might be aware of the Satanic forces guiding the love missile where no good Christian man should take it. At least not during church service -- and only then in dark alleys, motel rooms with the curtains drawn, or trucker rest stops -- with a healthy amount of self-flagellation afterwards to get right with the Big Guy for that ill-conceived moment (or 100) of carnal sin.

Take one of the fundies I've personally heard from, Peter LaBarbera, of the Illinois Family Institute. He's a professional homosexuality investigator for the bible-beating set, sacrificing it all for his audience, collecting gay porn (for research only), going undercover to male sexual subculture events such as International Mr. Leather, all to expose a threat to this culture greater than Osama and his band of merry-making terrorists. He's been "investigating" in this manner for years, asking for fundies to donate to the cause -- which to me looks more like an unusual and unhealthy preoccupation with sexual matters that most people, gay, straight or otherwise, don't think about in day to day life. From an exchange we had about one of the bathhouses he investigated:

Peter: Dare I say that you, too, would be highly offended at some of the activities that are "tolerated" there-such as a booth for the "Waterboys"-men who urinate on and in one another for sexual pleasure?

Pam: Quite frankly, I don't think much about this stuff unless I read it on bible-beating moralist news sites, why do you? While I personally don't find the idea of this particular practice appealing, I don't have to partake in it, nor do you or your fellow good Christians. This is about adult, consensual behavior (despite your attempt to pre-empt the use of this as a counter-argument). Why is this not a persuasive argument? Are you saying you would like to criminalize golden showers? How, exactly, would that be enforced? Hetero or homo participants or both?

...When you make multiple trips to "uncover" deviant acts by "going undercover" to gay pride events (or International Mr. Leather), this kind of effort doesn't tell your audience anything about the entire gay community, any more than heading to hetero swingers clubs, a frat house or the local meet-market bar tells me about straight sexual culture. Sexual subcultures exist along the entire orientation spectrum. Why are you so fixated on the sex? Is it because it is non-procreative? Explain this need to place yourself in these situations.

This man is a fucking cry for help. Another one that needs a strait jacket is Guy Adams of Alan (I kicked my lesbo daughter out) Keyes's RenewAmerica, who said in an interview that gays have sex with infants (it's a "new trend") and animals, and represent the "greatest danger facing America since possibly the Civil War."

It's strange, though. I just get the feeling that all this talk about gays -- and bestiality, in particular -- is a smokescreen by these fundies, masking an unhealthy obsession with fucking barnyard animals. Witness the all-too-true tales of our fellow citizens with a BIG problem:

* A man in Bainbridge, GA jumps a fence at a stockyard and porks a hog
* A Mesa, AZ fire battalion chief caught with his pants down in a barn assaulting a lamb
* A St. Gabriel, Louisiana seventeen-year-old was caught on tape committing unnatural acts with a horse.

We don't see colorful, down-home stories about bestiality like those above in metro gay meccas such as San Francisco, NYC, or Chicago -- well, there's not a lot of barnyard action to be found in these places, so perhaps I need some better evidence from our fundie friends about the direct connection between bestiality and the quest for civil marriage equality, for example.

The anally obsessed wingers sometimes have had to suck it up along the way. Look at poor Little Ricky Man-on-Dog Santorum. As his re-election prospects circle the drain, he must long for the glory days in the wake of the Lawrence v. Texas ruling overturning sodomy bans when he could unashamedly bleat to cheers: "If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything."

That same Little Ricky just signed a Gender Public Advocacy Coalition letter stating his office does not discriminate in hiring on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. Can you feel the air going out of the fundie sails of the hardcore public homobigotry-promoting Senator from Pennsylvania? Maybe it has to do with the fact that he has an out gay communications director.

***

Women exist in the fundie universe only as holy uteri, to be padlocked away, guarded by virginity pledges made with Daddy's loving arm around them and Jesus-head chastity rings. Sorry to break it to the holy rollers, but among 20 percent of kids taking a virginity pledge, 61 percent of the consistent pledgers and 79 percent of the inconsistent pledgers reported having fucked before marrying. Dick and Jane are knocking boots in the bible belt -- and attending church.

But the fundies, to their credit, don't give up the fight -- every egg is precious, every fetus a potential addition to the heterosexual family fold. These days I am awaiting the issue of appropriate "burqa-wear" for today's modern young woman, because any flesh exposed, particularly the titty, must have an effect on the fundamentalist man of causing that potentially fatal four-hour boner the disclaimers warn you about on those Viagra, Cialis and Levitra commercials.

The evil of the titty must be stopped.

In fact, fear of the boobie is at such a fever pitch with these people that nursing your baby in public has been equated with urinating, defecating and --- gasp -- masturbating.

Even lifeguards are driven to distraction by the boobie, according to a Michigan Y, which banned a mom from breastfeeding at the pool because "there is no food or water allowed in the pool area." Women in this culture are now reduced to a classification of vending machines/public milk dispensers lest tender eyes are offended or sexually confused individuals are potentially aroused to life-threatening distraction by a mammary session.

Have you noticed that lesbians don't even exist in the fundie mission at all? We simply aren't on the radar except for the occasional whack job out there like the Reverend Willie Wilson of Union Temple Baptist Church in Southeast D.C. He made me feel like a powerful and potent part of The Homosexual Agenda^TM, with these statements in a sermon...

"Sisters making more money than brothers and it’s creating problems in families … that’s one of the reasons many of our women are becoming lesbians "

"But … women falling down on another woman, strapping yourself up with something, it ain’t real. That thing ain’t got no feeling in it. It ain’t natural. Anytime somebody got to slap some grease on your behind and stick something in you, it’s something wrong with that. Your butt ain’t made for that."

Again, it's all about those naughty orifices that have something to do with the sexual acts that are on the fundie mind 24/7.