Bush on Blitzer: Like Homemade Porn:
Watching an interview with President Bush is a little like watching amateur porn. You know the kind, where maybe some middle-aged fat guy thinks he's Ron Jeremy and that his barely willing wife is Jenna Jameson. They go through the motions of porn flicks, with lots of flesh-slapping sounds, lots of grunts and murmurs of "take it, bitch," with the wife attempting to seem enthusiastic about the whole thing, sucking hubby's average-at-best cock and trying to take direction from him like it's a real film set: "No, no, do it like that one film, where she jacked him off right into her mouth. Rub it all over your face. Like that. Yeah." It's just sad, especially when the wife pretends that she's coming with a cry right out of the fake orgasm soundboard. When you watch, you know you're not gonna learn anything new, but like a fight at a hockey game or a crash at a NASCAR event, you keep watching for the inevitable fuck-ups and disasters. Mostly, though, you just end up feeling sorry for whoever was paid fifty bucks and some weed to do the videotaping.

So it was that the President deigned to be interviewed by Wolf "Behold My Sartorial Stubble of Seasoned Reportage" Blitzer on his CNN show, The Situation Room. In his monotone way, Blitzer kept trying to throw Bush off, although what Blitzer learned by the end of the interview was that if George Bush has a talking point to get through, he's gonna fuckin' get through it. Of all the times Bush stopped Blitzer from speaking with one of his "shut the fuck up" statements of "Excuse me, please" or "Let me finish," the best one was this: when Blitzer was trying to engage Bush on what he thought of the cozy meeting between the Presidents of Iraq and Iran, Bush was regurgitating about how splendiferous things are going in Iraq. He cut Blitzer off at the knees, saying, "Excuse me for a minute. I was on a brilliant point, as you know." Sure, one could say that it was that fantabulous presidential "wit" on display, but mostly we know it was just megalomaniacal par for the course.

Bush was on motherfuckin' message all the way through the interview, veering questions about the strange absence of Osama bin Laden in our custody into a re-re-re-re-affirmation of his desire for "doing other things" like eavesdropping and "getting intelligence" at will. Oh, and by the way, when Bush said he'd send troops into Pakistan to get Osama, if you watch the interview, you know he didn't understand what the fuck he was saying. Bush was just trying to act tough for the cameras.

As far as the tortured, mutilated corpses that bloom like morning glories every day in the streets of Iraq, Bush dismissed them as mere props for "the enemy" to get on TV: "The enemy has got the capacity to get on your TV screens by killing innocent people." See? It's like holding up a sign outside the Today show that says, "I'm the illegitimate love child of Matt and Meredith. Why won't you love me, Dad?" A bit over the top, but sure to get you noticed. Add in electric drill puncture wounds, and it's pretty much hard to tell the two apart.

But don't tell the President that, let's say, those corpses and car bombs planted by one ethnic group against another is a civil war. Oh, no. When Blitzer quoted Kofi Annan about the potential for the descent into full-blown civil war in Iraq, Bush, as ever, brought out his multi-starred props: "I'd rather quote the people on the ground who are very close to the situation, and who live it day by day, our ambassador or General Casey. I ask this question all the time, tell me what it's like there, and this notion that we're in civil war is just not true according to them. These are the people that live the issue." And then the President slapped Blitzer with the mummified arm of a Sunni insurgent.

What did we learn from the President yesterday? We learned that he can read a calendar, which is always good. When Blitzer said, "You know, you were thinking, dealing with Saddam Hussein long before 9/11," referring to an interview Bush did while a candidate, Bush interrupted Blitzer to remind the CNN anchor, "I wasn't in office long before 9/11...9/11, 2001 and I swore in in January of 2001." We learned that Bush doesn't give a fuck about what James Baker said in 1995 about the danger of invading Iraq because, well, shit, you know the answer - let's all say it together: "He was writing before September the 11th, 2001, and the world changed that day, Wolf."

Did you get that? The world changed. Like the world was just a big pile o' Play-Doh and the crazy kids got a hold of it and gave it a twist. How do we know the world changed? Because the President says so. Oh, sweet bliss of tautology, here he went: "The world changed that day because we had to deal with threats. No question Saddam Hussein did not order the attacks. On the other hand, Saddam Hussein was viewed as a threat by the Congress, by the United Nations, and by the United States administration. And so James Baker was writing before the world changed." You get it? It's not that Iraq changed. It's that the world did. You see, when you're about to get raped in prison, it doesn't mean that your ass has changed. But the world certainly has.

Yep, cheap-ass amateur porn is funny, but it won't turn you on unless you're desperate to jack off. Now, if you wanna get it up and blow a load, high quality porn is always available.