Things the Rude Pundit Learned at the President's Latest Press Conference:
-- George W. Bush is way too concerned with what's on TV. For about the ten thousandth time, he said, "[P]eople are concerned when they turn on the TV screens and see this violence." Prior to that, he said, "We saw on our TV screens the terrorists will send car bombs into crowded markets." What the fuck's next? Trying to explain how cool things look when they blow up real good on 24?

-- "Quds force" is the new "U.N. Resolution 1441." That is, shit that sounds like the people saying it know what they're talking about. Bush mentioned it no less than a dozen times in the course of the press conference. It gave him power, man, to repeat "Quds force" like he understands the intricacies of the hierarchy of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard. It's one of those "what the fuck?" things that we'll all learn because of how the White House defines it, rather than, say, people who don't want a pretext to start a war with Iran.

-- We're allowed to debate the war as much as we want as long as Bush's side wins. This is Bush in dominatrix mode - you can jack off all day, but don't you let yourself come until he says you can. Bush said of the ongoing debate in the House of Representatives, "They have every right to express their opinion, and it is a non-binding resolution. Soon Congress is going to be able to vote on a piece of legislation that is binding, a bill providing emergency funding for our troops." Yeah, bitches can fondle themselves all they want, but if they jizz, it's the horsewhip for 'em.

-- CNN allowed Ed Henry to use his balls for the day. When he questioned Bush about the apparent contradiction (or, here in Realityville, "lie") that the administration had put forth just a day before that the "highest levels" of the Iranian government were supplying "insurgents" in Iraq while Bush was pulling back on the idea, he actually tried to get Bush to answer. Bush did his dodge - which is asserting a vague notion forcefully, saying a few factoidal words (like, you know, "Quds force"), and trying to squirm out. Henry stayed there until a visibly irritated Bush moved on, ignoring him. Someone put viagra in Henry's latte yesterday morning.

-- The White House is so nice that it renders its occupant unable to see ugly things. When Bush was asked if Iraq is in a "civil war," he said, really, "[I]t's hard for me, living in this beautiful White House, to give you an assessment, firsthand assessment." So, like, if we trashed the White House, like unleashed Cheney to go on a rampage of shooting buckshot holes all the portraits and shitting on the carpet of the Presidential Seal, letting him spray paint his tag, "Big Dic," on the wallpaper, chewing up all the copies of the Constitution like a human shredding machine, jackhammering the noses off the marble busts, spitting in the soup, you know, what's known as "Saturday night" at the Cheney residence (usually followed by a round of loud, mad fucking by Dick and Lynne that leaves their Secret Service detail curled into fetal balls, weeping in the hallway outside the bedroom, wondering if it would be better to kill themselves than go on), if that happens, then could Bush decide whether or not it's civil war? Maybe he should have some more TVs in there.

-- Along those lines, apparently Bush has never actually been to Iraq. He said, "I haven't been there; you have, I haven't." So was his 2003 Thanksgiving trip as fake as the turkey he was holding? Good times, good times.

-- No matter how many times his plans have failed, you have to give his latest Iraq plan a chance to work. It's sort of like having your mom insist that you hire your just-released-from-prison pyromaniac brother to work in your fireworks factory. See, just because he burned down three houses and two giant warehouses doesn't mean he'll do it again. Give him a chance.

-- But if he thinks an idea won't work, Bush won't give it a try. (See diplomacy with Iran, about which he said, "[I]f I thought we could achieve success, I would sit down.")

-- And don't you fuckin' ask him about the Scooter Libby trial. He said three times, in a voice reminiscent of Daddy, "Not gonna talk about it."

-- When all else fails, laugh, clown, laugh. Bush had more of a campaign mode goofiness about him yesterday, getting off an honestly good line or two, like, "I remember a member of Congress came to me before one of my speeches -- I think it was the Iraq speech, as opposed to the State of the Union speech, and said, you'd better be eloquent in order to convince the American people to support this plan. He didn't say 'articulate,' he said, 'eloquent.'" Oooh, funny and au courant. Most of it was toward the end of the press conference, when the meds had probably kicked in, when the time was short, when he had already given his talking points so many times he had them down and didn't have to think so hard, when, really, he just didn't give a shit anymore.

Unfortunately, the rest of us have to.