Dick Cheney Opens His Maw to AIPAC:
Few things in this world are more frightening than the sight of Dick Cheney speaking in front of a group of powerful people, for, indeed, in those moments, we see the Vice President toss off his discomforting Ming the Merciless disguise and reveal the hideous, slithering and undulating ooze that is his real being, the kind of stench-ridden viscosity that'd make Cthulhu say, "Holy fuck, that's scary."

Yes, indeed, Dick Cheney was in his element, making a speech at the yearly conference of the apex of circumcised neoconturbation, the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, or AIPAC (motto: "We're the Jews that all the anti-Semites are really talking about"). The Veep kicked it with the old school terror jams, conjuring every super-spooky Arab image short of the "Hassan chop" guy in "Ali Baba Bunny."

"They take videos of their attacks and put them up on the Internet to get them broadcast on television. They send messages and images by e-mail and tell their followers to spread the word. They wage war by stealth and murder, disregarding the rules of warfare and rejoicing in the death of the innocent," Cheney wheezed. And, to assure us that they are not quite even human, he spittled forth, "And not even the instinct of self-preservation is a restraint. The terrorists value death the same way you and I value life." Instead of applause, you heard could hear the unzipping of flies and thumping from under the tables.

Then the Cheney sludge-beast went all nutzoid on Congress. He transuded that "threats have been made that would hamper the war effort and interfere with the operational authority of the President and with our military commanders... When members of Congress pursue an anti-war strategy that's been called slow bleed, they're not supporting the troops, they are undermining them. And when members of Congress speak not of victory, but of time limits -- (applause) -- when members speak not of victory but of time limits, deadlines or other arbitrary measures, they're telling the enemy simply to watch the clock and wait us out. (Applause.)" And, remember, replace "Applause" with "Unzip. Thump-thump-thump."

In one of those statements that's so ironic in so many directions you don't know which way to look, Cheney extravasated, "President Bush understands, as Ronald Reagan did, that if history teaches anything, it teaches self-delusion in the face of unpleasant facts is folly." So the dry drunk and the guy who had Alzheimer's in the Oval Office are the people we need to learn historical context from. Seems about right for this country.

Then, after taking out Ariel Sharon's corpse (the man hasn't looked that thin in years) and madly fellating it for a moment or two, Cheney concluded with this bizarro bit of over the top balderdash: "America is a good and an honorable country. (Applause - sorry - Thump-thump-thump.) We serve a cause that is right and a cause that gives hope to the oppressed in every corner of this earth." And somewhere in a hut in Angola, a mother and her children dined on a big bowl of American hope.

And AIPAC, in deep gratitude, gave Cheney a malnourished Palestinian girl that he could absorb into his globular sludge before heaving off the stage.

(Rude thanks to Jude at Punch and Jude for a heads-up.)