And so it was that Tubby the Preacher undulated over to the Fox "news" studio to talk to Sean "Behold My Unibrow of Condemnation" Hannity on the "show" Hannity and (to a lesser extent) Colmes. Tubby the Preacher's become the Man of God of the moment, mostly because of his book, The Buffet-Driven Life. Because Tubby the Preacher told us that we all needs to love up GodJeebus in order to feel good about ourselves, now politicians and the media pay homage to his lardly presence and treat Tubby the Preacher like he's got something more to say than, well, "Love up GodJeebus."
But if you are Tubby the Preacher, and not, say, Poindexter the Economist or Mumbly the Union Leader, the GodJeebus shit's your alpha and omega and all the rest is mere offal to be hosed off on the way to lettin' GodJeebus shine on through, shine on through. Tubby the Preacher was ostensibly talking to Hannity about his new book, The Purpose of Christmas Pie, which, surprisingly, has to do with giving the high, hard lovin' to, well, you know.
And Tubby and Hannity did offer up the Jesus jams, like in this exchange: Tubby said, "But we've got to remember why Jesus came to earth." And Hannity helpfully offered, "Well, and it was for the salvation of man's soul and reconciliation to God." (This is, by the way, an alleged "news" program.)
Tubby the Preacher also told us all to stop being such pricks about what we get for Christmas because we already got a present: "God has given us a gift in Jesus Christ. And people don't understand: it's for our benefit." Now, you may wanna say, "Hey, God, thanks for the reanimated corpse," but then you're missing the point. As Tubby preached, "Believe me: if you didn't need one, God wouldn't have sent it. Because — because he wouldn't have wasted the time. And Jesus meets every one of our deepest needs. And what we need to do is accept his gift of a pastor-given, purposeful living home in heaven."
And that's whether you like it or not, blessed motherfuckers. When (to a lesser extent) Colmes asked the obvious question of what about other religions, Tubby the Preacher had a ready answer: "I believe Jesus Christ came for everybody. I don't think he came for Christians. The Bible says take this good news to the whole world. I don't care whether you're Baptist, Buddhist, Mormon, Methodist, Jewish, Muslim, or no religion at all. Jesus Christ still loves you. You still matter to God." Tubby, though, would not commit on whether or not you need to "unwrap the gift" of Jesus in order to get into the big cloud city. In other words, you matter, but not enough to get into his gated community.
And then Tubby said it's okay to assassinate leaders who we see as evil: "In fact, that is the legitimate role of government. The Bible says that God puts government on earth to punish evildoers. Not good-doers. Evildoers." Just like Jesus did. (Man, isn't it awesome when people like Tubby, who talk about getting a reacharound of love from Jesus to make people feel good about themselves, get all Old Testament when it comes to politics?)
By the way, Tubby's the guy who just created a bullshit "Medal of Peace Award" and gave it to George W. Bush. It's from Warren's bullshit Global P.E.A.C.E. Coalition, which is just a missionary group masking as something else. (By the way, don't you fucking confuse this with the Global Coalition for Peace. They'll fuck you up for it.)
Oh, Tubby the Preacher is a fine, fine man with a solution to everyone's problems: his God is bigger than your God, everyone should accept his God, and if those who believe in his God deem you evil, his God has created man-made ways to take you out. How different are Tubby the Preacher's goals from, say, those of Grouchy the Terrorist?
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