Because We Won't Have Him To Kick Around Much Longer, Part 5 (9/11 Never Dies Edition):
You remember how, right after the 9/11 attacks, we were all scared shitless and the White House was telling us to stick our heads between our legs and kiss our asses good-bye because brownish people were going to fuck our shit up with their exploding shoes and nuclear suitcases o' doom? You remember the clusterfuck of idiotic things that came in quick succession, like the color-coded threat level, which looked like nothing so much as the dried palette for one of those cheap-ass watercolor paint books we despised as kids, and duct tape? You remember all that? That sense of panic and imminent demise? Yeah, well, fuck you, 'cause you're wrong. It was actually a serene time.

At least according to Admiral Mike Mullen, Chair of the Joint Chiefs, who, during Tuesday's military parade in "appreciation" of President George W. Bush, said in his lubricious hummer of a speech, "After this nation was attacked by a rising evil, the same evil which later murdered many others in places like London, Madrid, Islamabad and Mumbai, you quickly led us from the grip of fear to a serenity of purpose and unity of action - serenity well beyond our dreams on September 12th, when all thought further attack was not only likely, but gravely imminent. And through your vision, a new national security was rendered to reach our enemies where they hid and trained and celebrated deadly crimes."

Now that's some motherfucking historical revisionism: the man who pogo-sticked around the country on September 11, 2001 like a hyperactive toddler on the run from the boogeyman actually was achieving some kind of Zen state of retarded enlightenment that allowed him to clear his head and pronounce, "I'm gonna attack a country that had nothing to do with those planes." Seriously, this is like a rapist-murderer being honored for his belief in safe sex.

Secretary of Defense, now and future, Robert Gates took over the Bush blow job and didn't neglect the balls: "On a bright Tuesday morning in September, eight months into President Bush's first term, we learned how dangerous and unpredictable this new era could be, and saw in the starkest terms how necessary was the task of transforming the American defense establishment to meet these challenges. It was a task inspired by the vision of President Bush, propelled by the energetic advocacy of Secretary Rumsfeld, informed by the experience of our senior military leaders, and accelerated by the urgent demands of two unconventional ground wars."

See, Bush and Rumsfeld didn't run the military into the ground and nearly break our armed forces. Oh, no. Said Gates, "The result is an American military that has become more agile, lethal, and prepared to deal with the full spectrum of 21st century conflict."

The President got in on the act of mooning the facts, always with an eye toward the future, that lover of hypotheticals. He pronounced, "There will become a day when your grandchildren will ask, what did you do during your time in uniform? And you'll be able to say: We made the military stronger. We made the world freer. And we made America more secure." And it's just the start: "You'll be able to tell them the story of the first decade in the 21st century -- their early days of a generational struggle against terror and extremism. It is a story of a global coalition led by the United States that is dedicated to eliminating the forces of oppression and fear." You see? It's like the Justice League, if the Justice League was comprised of a one-legged Superman and a bunch of fast-moving midgets.

Yes, it was a grand day, with a grand parade of soldiers, all to honor the man who said that their lives should be dedicated to a fool's failed utopia.