They're Losing Their Fucking Minds, Part 2 (Arm(e)y of Dicks Edition):
Watching the video of Dick Armey, former Congressman and current douchebag head of a bullshit anti-government PAC called "FreedomWorks" (motto: "Keeping Dick Armey Off Unemployment Since 2003"), lose his shit on last night's My Balls Are Hard is not unlike watching a miserable, old, half-dead pit bull, ass full of scars, filthy from rolling in his own shit, go through the throes of canine dementia and try to eat his own leg while barking at phantoms.

Considering that he should have been banished from the airwaves and tarred and feathered and left to whimper over his burns a long time ago, saying that Dick Armey jumped the shark last night is to render the phrase useless. Before he even got to insulting Salon editor Joan Walsh, Armey had gone completely bugfuck, pissing himself mad. First he said that George W. Bush's tax cuts failed because of "income redistribution," and not just by those dirty Democrats: "The biggest income redistributionist at that time was a Republican senator." Pressed to name the senator, Armey balked, "I'm not going to get into that, because then we'll have the controversy. Dick Armey is assaulting somebody."

Now, there's a phrase for the ages. For what else has happened for the last couple of decades? We've been assaulted by an army of dicks. And now we're seeing what happens when the dicks are forced into retreat, crazily beaten by the citizens of the villages, running desperately into the cover of the thick woods and craggy mountains, hoping they can find enough fellow dicks to regroup into the mighty army they once were, but discovering that they may not be able to step beyond the tree line, out of the caves, and into the open anymore for fear of being pummeled once more. Sure, sure, they might try to mount an assault, but, really, when all you were to begin with was a dick army, well, there's only so long you can stand erect and ready for battle.

Dick Armey, the man, was a flailing, hopelessly pathetic being last night, the kind of syphilitic whore who is so covered in sores that only the most desperate and poorest johns would dare touch him. He grunted and snorted and babbled like Foghorn Leghorn trying to avoid the fryer. When he finally turned on Walsh and said, "I'm so damn glad that you can never be my wife, because I surely wouldn't have to listen to that prattle from you every day," you could hear the sizzle and smell the bubbling fat. The argument was over, even if Matthews attempted to keep it going. Armey looked like a bloated stegosaurus that glanced at the glowing sky and saw an asteroid heading his way. When your argument comes down to "Shut up," you have no argument at all.

Bob Herbert, the New York Times columnist who has been asking why the fuck we're even listening to Republicans anymore, slapped down the entire dick army when he said, in Matthews' next segment, "I think Dick Armey was so far out of line in the last segment with his sexist comments, and he owes Joan Walsh and your viewers an apology." Not that there will be one. You can't be a real Dick Armey if you think you're ever wrong.

And, surely, he'll be invited back for another rousing "debate." That shit's gold, motherfuckers.

(By the way, the Republican senator Armey didn't want to assault was Charles Grassley. FreedomWorks has no problem doing Armey's work.)

(By the way, the initial Armey/Walsh confrontation was over the shit that Rush Limbaugh has said. The Rude Pundit hasn't dealt with that because fuck Rush.)