An Immigration Crisis Conservatives Can't Handle

The other night on the Fox "news" program Sean Hannity's Phantasmagorium of Spite and Fear, with guest host Eric Bolling, Senator Rand Paul, who always looks like he just finished getting off by rubbing a ferret against his balls, was asked about the surge of unaccompanied minors from Central American nations trying to cross our borders by the thousands. Paul said, "Right now, we have a humanitarian nightmare down there, with every child from Central America wanting to come across the border. You can't have a beacon to the whole world to come unless you have a secure border."

First of all, "every child" from Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras doesn't wanna come here. Just the ones who live in depraved poverty and murderous lawlessness. A 2012 Department of Labor report on Honduras said that child labor there is used for everything from cutting sugarcane to construction jobs to mining to fucking strangers. This is not to mention all the aforementioned murder. So maybe it's hard to blame 'em. But every child? No, sorry.

But it's the second sentence there that boggles the Rude Pundit's mind: "You can't have a beacon to the whole world to come unless you have a secure border." What the hell does that mean? You can't invite everyone unless the door is closed? You can't offer blow jobs to the entire football team unless you wear a mouth guard? Parse it out, and you've got the classic conservative clusterfuck of rhetoric. America is a beacon of hope to the world in all its glorious exceptional exceptionalism. Fuck, yeah. But, fuck you, you can't reach it, sexually-exploited Salvadoran kids, because Rand Paul has to sound tough on immigration. What are we? 'Cause, despite trying really hard to, you can't say you're that beacon if your light is only meant to shine on a few.

This is the knot many on the right are contorting themselves into: compassionate words with tough actions: "Isn't this a pretty, shiny dildo I'm going to force up your ass?"

America's grumpiest lawn gnome, John McCain, told Bill O'Reilly yesterday, "[B]y the way, if a child is in fear of being persecuted by the environment in which they live, then we should have them go to our embassy, go to our consulate, apply for asylum and we can expand those capabilities. Not have them show up at our border. Tell them if they show up at our border, they will be returned." Absolutely. Little Maria who has been raped and held captive most of her life must know all about how to fill out I-589 and submit it to the local embassy. It's so easy a child could...never mind.

Then there's the twat-faced Ted Cruz, who always dives to the bottom of the barrel and say, "Wait, what's that under the scum? I'll gobble it down." Cruz, speaking on Sean Hannity Rapes Your Ears Through the Radio, got off on describing just how horrific the lives of the children are: "They will force one little boy or one little girl to cut off the fingers or ears of other little boys or little girls." Bizarrely, Cruz, who, it should be pointed out, is a U.S. Senator, thinks that "The children will not stop coming, and will not stop being subjected to this horrific physical violence and sexual violence unless and until this administration begins enforcing our laws." How enforcement of our nation's laws will stop the mutilation of children in another country is left unexplained, but, hey, he went to Ivy League schools, so he must know.

And, just like Jesus would want a good Christian like Cruz to do, he wants to send the kids back to the places where they have their body parts cut off. That'll teach 'em.

But every once in a while, every now and then, someone surprises you, like an extra shot on the house from that cute bartender. Ya gotta give a clap or two to Glenn Beck, who is loading up tractor-trailers to bring the kids at the Texas border food, water, and toys. No doubt there's some dickish motive, but, hey, at least Beck is acting like this ain't just immigration season. It's a full-blown, where-the-hell-is-the-U.N. refugee crisis.