Kansas Is Trying to Regain Sanity, But Rick Santorum Wants It to Stay Crazy

Earlier this week, former Senator and losing GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum was the main speaker at two reelection rallies for Kansas Governor Sam Brownback. Considering the various ways you can read their last names, it sounds as if everyone was coated with feces-laden effluvia by the end. Brownback is in a tight race with Democrat Paul Davis, who was just endorsed by over 100 current and former GOP officials.

The "moderate" Republicans all said, pretty much, that they were for Davis because "that asshole Brownback is fuckin' crazy, man. Him and his band of loony cockknobs in the legislature." See, Brownback, with the help of a mega-right-wing surge in the state legislature, passed huge income tax cuts two years ago that primarily benefit the wealthy and it's gutted his state's budget rather than, as Brownback promised, creating tons of jobs and letting everyone live 24/7 in golden farm houses with free pussy and dick just for the asking.

In Wichita, Santorum spoke at a movie theater after a benefit showing of Knute Rockne: All American. The 1940 film has fuck-all to do with Kansas and everyone pretty much dies in it, but it features the terrible acting of Ronald Reagan and was the flick that gave him his "Gipper" nickname. So, yeah, Reagan, motherfuckers, Reagan. Brownback is like Reagan, see, in that Reagan only ever cut taxes, except when Reagan was raising them. Fuck you, fuckin' facts.

Santorum's speech was the kind of overwrought nonsense that'd make Nicholas Cage tell the man to calm that shit down. Nothing less than "the future of the free world is at stake" in deciding who will lead the 34th most populous state and 32nd best economy in the nation, said Santorum. "Sam is a descendant of the American Revolution," he continued. "This man loves this country and cherishes the principles and believes those principles can work, not just in Kansas, but can work to help rebirth a great civilization in America."

And Davis? That swine believes in the principles of the French Revolution, which Santorum didn't really define, but, look, it's got the word "French," so, yeah, fuck the frogs and their belief in liberty and equality.

Then shit got weird. Santorum compared the election to The Lord of the Rings. No, he really did. He said, "The other side is like the Eye of Mordor. That eye that’s constantly searching. That eye does not have an eyelid. It doesn’t sleep, it doesn’t stop. It’s constantly searching to try to oppress and defeat." Now, the Rude Pundit fell asleep during all three of the films and, no, he never read the books (and, no, he's never going to read them so don't tell he absolutely has to), but he's pretty sure that makes Brownback a hobbit.

In a speech the day before, at a car dealership in Olathe, Santorum had declared that Brownback "takes on the dragons. He is the warrior." And, again, a hobbit. Seriously, Nicholas Cage was watching this and thinking he is a master of subtlety.

Meanwhile, Brownback has made cuts to education at all levels since his budget was passed in 2012 because he ain't raising no goddamn taxes. Meanwhile, the state has had a $338 million shortfall in projected revenue, which will lead to more cuts. Meanwhile, the Kansas Supreme Court, back in March, said that the state needed to stop dicking over poor school districts, which is going to cost more money, money the state doesn't have, and, fuck you, Sam Brownback ain't gonna raise taxes because Reagan and the American Revolution and Mordor and Knute Rockne.

They should have watched the goddamn Wizard of Oz at the Wichita rally to learn that even if you think the tornado is gonna take you to a magical land of witches and castles and Munchkins, all it really does is wreck Kansas.