Oh, Thank Heaven For September 11:

Let us say, and why not, that in the year 2000, the Supreme Court of the United States, in all its infinite wisdom, installed a six-foot high steaming pile of shit as President of this country. Oh, sure, some might say that a six-foot high steaming pile of shit is unqualified to be President, but the Supreme Court said so and Al Gore walked away, saying, "For the good of the nation, I will not challenge the right of a six-foot high steaming pile of shit to take office." In the first few months of the six-foot high steaming pile of shit's tenure, things in the nation would have gone down the toilet, much as they actually did, since, you know, a six-foot high steaming pile of shit is not noted for its decision-making abilities. Then September 11, 2001 happened, and at that moment of deep shock and hurt and violence (remember: we originally thought there might be as many as 10,000 people dead), in the confusion and anger, a six-foot high steaming pile of shit could have been propped on top of the ruins of the World Trade Center on September 14 and the nation would have rallied around that six-foot high steaming pile of shit because we needed something to comfort us. A six-foot high steaming pile of shit would have been what was available, and, thus, a six-foot high steaming pile of shit would have been our hero.



Goddamn, the Republicans must be thrilled that 9/11 happened, because what the fuck else would they have to talk about? Yesterday, the Republican Convention was all war, all the time, with Rudy Giuliani, whose post-mayoral speaker fees went through the roof because 3000 people died on 9/11, mentioned September 11 no less than 10 times in his speech. John McCain consigned (at least) hundreds of more Americans to screaming, horrible death and injury in Iraq with his strange, mad rantings about how we have to demonstrate we love freedom by killing those who don't. (This is not to mention the pressure valve release moment of McCain dissing Michael Moore, which allowed the crowd to boo, hiss, and scream at Moore, as well as begin a bizarre chant of "Four Moore years." It was one of the only times during the day that we saw the true face of Republican hate.)



Since George Bush's "leadership" after September 11 is what's being touted as his great strength, let us remember not only the infamous seven-minute slow burn of "Oh, fuck, I'm gonna shit myself in front of schoolchildren" in Florida, but let us remember that the President was on the run, hopping around the country like a jackrabbit on acid, thinking it sees wolves everywhere. The "leadership" of Bush ain't about standing on the rubble three days later. It's about a man who chose to run away. At least a six-foot high steaming pile of shit would have stayed put. And in the days after we finally found out that we still had a President? Why, we know, we know now that he and his administration immediately set about trying to bomb Iraq, no matter what. Yeah, man, that's leadership. Take advantage when everyone's distracted. Sweep up later.



What the Republicans promise America on their first night is terror and fear, terror and fear. The problem with the Democrats and their nauseatingly repetitive invocation of Kerry's 'Nam experience is that the Dems were trusting the public to make the connection: Oh, yeah, Kerry served, Bush didn't. Instead, the connection needs to be made explicit, otherwise the whole emphasis on 'Nam is useless: when push came to shove, who ran? Who kept on running scared every chance he had to show he was tough?



September 11, 2001 is just a tool. One doesn't need to wrap oneself in the flag anymore. One just needs to coat oneself in the ashes of the towers, ashes filled with burnt flesh and bone. Bush is attempting to make a great tragedy into his greatest asset: just think, if it hadn't been for 9/11, we'd have never known what a "great" leader our President is. Thank Jesus we've had that opportunity.