The White House Katrina Report: Bush Ain't To Blame:
The report on the White House's own "investigation" into the federal "response" to Hurricane Katrina starts with a hand job of a letter from homeland security adviser and point person Frances Fragos Townsend to the ever-dreamy President Bush. Townsend unzips Bush's slacks and reaches in, ferreting around for his erect cock and, a-ha, finds it: "You often remind us that your most solemn obligation as President is to protect the American people." Then, pulling it free from its clothy cover, for, indeed, a hand job is always better when there's no friction from pants or panties, Townsend goes to work, pumpin' that butter churn for all she's worth: "When you addressed the Nation from Jackson Square, New Orleans, on the evening of September 15, 2005, you ordered a comprehensive review of the Federal response to Hurricane Katrina...At your direction, we assembled a team of experienced professionals dedicated to this mission. In addition, we enjoyed a tremendous partnership with each of your Cabinet Secretaries." We shall return to this scene of ball-tickling glee.

The report basically says that the problem with the response was that Hurricane Katrina was big, really big, oh-so-fucking big, yes-we're-all-really-impressed-down-here big, and, apparently, the Bush administration can only think small, unless it comes to blowing shit up, not having shit blown up for them. In fact, if you're too stupid to understand just how goddamn big Katrina was, there's handy graphs that compare Katrina to other natural disasters. See Figure 1.2 there? Notice how big Katrina is next to wee little Camille, Andrew, and Ivan. It's like the difference between getting jacked off on by three midgets and getting fucked and fisted by John Holmes (he had large hands, too). Don't you get it? the report says: it was a big storm.

The rest of the report is a great pile of crap you've heard before, with major props thrown to religious organizations for stepping in where the government was absent. But the basic lesson of the report is this: President Bush isn't to blame for anything. In fact, really, he was vicariously there pulling black babies out of the polluted waters because he was being told about it and saw shit on the TV.

It's stomach churning, like you're gonna vomit and dry heave for days, when you go through the report, with its shiny, glossy cover, how you realize that the reason for its existence is to solely provide a similar cover for the President. Each chapter says that President Bush did this, President Bush did that, no, really, c'mon, he wasn't just off doing publicity stunts to boost his popularity - he was totally engaged, man, totally. The other part that's telling? The sections where the President isn't mentioned, like he's simply not part of the story, as in most of the chapter on the storm itself and its immediate aftermath. And as far as recommendations, everybody else has gotta shuffle shit around, but the President needs more power, says the report, ironically titled Lessons Learned. The lesson learned is obvious: everyone failed the President. Boo-fuckin'-hoo.

Townsend finished her handjob at her press briefing on the report. You know what it takes to get that little pecker to fire, the last big yanks, the squeezing, and when Townsend told the reporters, "Those of us in government must take the lead, and President Bush made clear he is doing just that. Like all Americans, he was not satisfied with the federal response to Hurricane Katrina and he accepted responsibility for the shortcomings in the federal response. He demanded that we find out the lessons, that we learn them and that we fix the problems, that we take every action to make sure America is safer," well, who could postpone blowing a load at that moment?

Of course, Frances Townsend was on vacation in Maine during Katrina, so maybe all of this is news to her. But at least the President seemed pleased with her hand job abilities.

(David Corn also just posted on this same subject, sans hand job.)