The Pleasures of a Presidential Pimp-Slapping:
The Rude Pundit is a bit late to the comment party about President Barack Obama's splendiferous showing at the GOP House Issues Conference last Friday, and he's not going to parse the whole damn thing. It was truly a beautiful moment, and the Rude Pundit masturbated so furiously to it that the chafing left his cock unable to be touched all weekend. It wasn't gleeful, fun self-pleasuring. Instead, it was the kind of desperate jacking off one might do to one's porn stash before getting rid of it because one's lover doesn't want you to keep it anymore. He didn't know when he'd get that chance again. So while the Rude Pundit's weary of trying to figure out what the fuck Obama is up to (getting rid of NASA programs? Really?) he wants to make one observation that may not have been explored in the mass orgasm on the left over Obama handing Republicans their asses and telling them to smell their own farts.

What Obama did was to show the GOP House members a respect that they have failed to show him. He treated them like grown-ups, not the worthless obstructionist bags of shit they are. In essence, he gave them a shot, on their terms, at trying to take him down. And they couldn't do it. In simple terms, he was rubber, and they were glue, motherfuckers.

Indiana's Mike Pence opened his question with a reminder that "House Republicans said then we would make you two promises. Number one, that most of the people in this room and their families would pray for you and your beautiful family just about every day for the next four years. And I want to assure you we're keeping that promise." You got that? The first thing the Republican hosting the meeting wanted the President to know is that almost all of them ask God to look over the Obamas. Or, more likely, Jesus may save, but we wanna kick your ass. So at a political gathering, the first thing invoked is mass prayer for Obama. That's some creepy shit. For what fucking purpose? To absolve Pence from being a lying asshole, which he immediately was?

Pence looked like he was going to vomit, though, when Obama immediately took his question and, instead of playing nice, ripped off Pence's arms and beat him in the head with them. Talking about the stimulus, Obama replied:

"The package that we put together at the beginning of the year, the truth is, should have reflected -- and I believe reflected what most of you would say are common sense things. This notion that this was a radical package is just not true. A third of them were tax cuts, and they weren't -- when you say they were 'boutique' tax cuts, Mike, 95 percent of working Americans got tax cuts, small businesses got tax cuts, large businesses got help in terms of their depreciation schedules. I mean, it was a pretty conventional list of tax cuts. A third of it was stabilizing state budgets.

"There is not a single person in here who, had it not been for what was in the stimulus package, wouldn't be going home to more teachers laid off, more firefighters laid off, more cops laid off. A big chunk of it was unemployment insurance and COBRA, just making sure that people had some floor beneath them, and, by the way, making sure that there was enough money in their pockets that businesses had some customers."

By the time Obama got to talking about spending on infrastructure and how dozens of the gathered Republicans had "gone to appear at ribbon-cuttings for the same projects that you voted against," it was over. In war terms, all that was left was for Obama to walk among the bodies and see who still was moaning or moving before shooting them between the eyes. He worked with Republicans, again and again, gave them things they wanted, and they still chose to vote against the Recovery Act because it was something Obama wanted.

Really, he could have spent the rest of the time answering every question with, "That would be a valid complaint if you guys weren't such enormous douchebags." And when he started mocking the rhetoric Republicans use against him, John Boehner actually lost color in his face and Eric Cantor had shit himself, as if thinking, "We've made a terrible mistake."

If one could actually read tea leaves with this president, it would seem like he is laying the groundwork for abandoning working with Republicans. There's only so many times a dog can bite your hand before you muzzle that fucker. And what did he get for his trouble? By Sunday, Mitch McConnell and John Boehner had already stated that Obama can shove his bipartisanship up his ass.

In fact, the way Boehner put it on Meet the Press made as much a case for Democrats passing things as it did for Republicans blocking them: "[A]s a political party and in the minority on the Hill, we have an obligation to the American people to stand on principle...the American people sent us all here to Washington to, to do what we can to help solve the problems we have in our country."

Thanks for reminding us, Johnny Minority Leader, that that's why we voted for Democrats a little over a year ago.