Nobody Puts BP in the Corner:
BP is BP, motherfuckers, and who the fuck are you? Some puny government? Man, BP has fucked up entire nations so it could drink their fucking milkshakes. British Motherfucking Petroleum. C'mon, who the fuck do you think you are? BP eats Amocos and Arcos, and it'll lay pipeline wherever the fuck it wants and make governments work for the privilege. BP says jump and the fuckin' earth will shake from all the people hopping in unison.

So, really, when BP CEO Tony Heyward says, as he did yesterday, that he was "devastated" by walking amidst the environmental wreckage caused by his company, or when managing director Robert Dudley says that "there's nobody -- nobody -- who is more devastated by what has happened" than BP, well, what can one say to such touching human emotion other than, "We hope you get raped by alligators while the pelicans cheer."

For, see, if BP was honestly devastated by the oil gushing out of the hole in the ocean floor in any way other than its bottom line, then why the fuck is it resisting or delaying anything asked of it? 'Cause, see, the situation would seem to call for maybe a bit of humble pie, maybe some deference to people who didn't fuck up the ocean, who didn't say, as the now-"devastated" Heyward did less than two weeks ago, that "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume." (Someone give that man a gallon of water and tell him that it's got one drop of HIV-tainted blood in it. Ask him if he'll drink.) No, that man, that company, has earned the disgust, mistrust, and contempt of the public. That's why, at this point, Americans have turned on the company. We're so adorable when we get angry at a multinational megacorporation.

How do you think this plays out? That some fucking miracle happens? That BP pays every dollar to every fisherman, every shrimper, every marsh tour boat operator, every business that has to cut back or shutter because of lost tourist dollars? That Congress will pass any regulations that have gums, let alone teeth? That President Obama will put on his Aquaman Underoos and dive down a mile to personally shove a cork into it? Hey, if we're gonna fantasize, we may as well have fun with it.

Jesus, already, BP is resisting changing to a less toxic dispersant, despite the EPA "ordering" it to do so. Why? Because there simply isn't enough of the shit that only poisons the ocean and the people a little less, or so BP says. So of course the EPA backed down. BP is also taking its sweet time even agreeing that oil washing up in places where oil hadn't washed up before is its oil, thus delaying clean-up, thus allowing more oil to pile up. Why? Who the fuck knows and why the fuck is anyone listening to BP executives except to hear them say good-bye to their loved ones from a gallows?

Look, we know what happens: For BP, it's a holding pattern until the goddamn thing is plugged and a relief well is drilled a couple of months from now. BP's gonna stand there and take everything that everyone is gonna throw at it. It'll go to the meetings and listen to the fishermen talk about the destruction of their heritage. Its executives will sit at congressional hearings and soberly answer questions. Heyward will scrub a seagull. Then, once the oil stops, BP will unleash the lawyers to scorch the earth it hasn't befouled. It will seek to pay as absolutely little as possible. It will make settlement offers that are a fraction of the real damage and people will take that because time is passing and everyone needs to move on. It'll contribute thousands of dollars to members of Congress. Hell, now it can just run campaign ads itself: Lisa Murkowski, brought to you by BP. Environmentalists will attempt to continue to call attention to the unending effects of the damage, but no one will pay attention once the greasy birds die off. And Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal will sit back down and demand nothing more. He will, in fact, talk about the future and making sure that offshore drilling continues for the good of the state's recovery.

Because they are fucking BP. And who the fuck are you?