Glenn Beck's 8/28 Extravaganza Will Rule All the Heavens and Earth (Part 2):
Out in the crowd on August 28, 2010, around the Reflecting Pool near the Lincoln Memorial, at Glenn Beck's Restoring Honor rally, Jessie Ray Floyd wasn't sure what he was supposed to think. He turned to his beloved Lurvene, seated on her Hoveround, and said, "Is this blasphemy?" Lurvene, all 350 diabetic pounds of her, managed an undulating motion that was akin to a shrug. "I hope not," Jessie Ray said. "I hope we didn't drive all the way from Arkansas just to see some blasphemy." He looked around and saw some people standing dumbfounded, like him, but others, by the thousands, were on their knees, wailing at the sky, mouthing something that looked like, "Not again."

For, up on the stage on the steps of leading to the giant Lincoln statue, there were three wooden crosses. One held a confused, crucified Sean Hannity, who shouted that Glenn Beck could take his prime time slot if only to stop the pain. Another was empty, a saved Bill O'Reilly having been taken down because he had been given a blessing by Beck. On the third, well, there, nailed through his hands and feet, crown of thorns on his head (although someone should have pulled the pink roses off the stems), Beck presented himself to his worshipers. "This is for your sins, America," he said, huskily, his voice weakening with the loss of blood. "I am dying for your sins." He hoped he had the timing right and that he would be taken down before he actually died, that he would be taken to the Tomb of the Unknowns and locked in, presumably deceased, and that he would rise again on 9/12. What's a little blood and a whole lot of pain if it seals your place in history? One for the ages, yokels and yahoos, one for the ages.

But now Beck is having what he hopes are visions. In the distance, walking right through the waters of the Reflecting Pool are Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King, Jr. They seem to be about twenty feet tall, if not bigger. And they're not wearing pants, penises as big as komodo dragons dangling in front of them. Beck wants it to be a vision, but he sees the crowd start to scream and run away. And before he knows it, the two giants are standing on either side of him, having swatted away all the security. The sky goes dark and just as Beck is about to speak, Lincoln shoves the tip of his massive dick in Beck's mouth. Lincoln says to the radio host, "With malice toward none, but you, with charity for all, but you, blow me."

King says to the choking Beck, "I have a dream that one day you'll be judged not by the color of your skin but the quality of your ass." And he heads behind the cross to pull down Beck's pants.

Even on his nails, Beck squirms and convulses at the idea of being the meat in a Martin Luther King/Abraham Lincoln sandwich. He manages to pull away from Lincoln for a moment and says, "I thought you were non-violent."

King stops. "You're right, Glenn. Thank you for helping me reclaim my vision and dream. I won't fuck your asshole. Instead, let me introduce you to my friend, Malcolm X."

Jessie Ray turns to Lurvene, "You wanna keep watchin' this?" Lurvene squints at the distant stage and at the images projected on giant screens next to the stage, a crucified Beck being awkwardly ass-fucked by a twenty-foot tall Malcolm X while Lincoln is balls deep in the Fox "news" host's face. King is sitting on the stage, laughing. He always loved a good dirty joke. He didn't realize it, but he had squashed Sarah Palin when he took a seat.

Every once in a while, Hannity softly says, "Umm, can someone get me down?" No one is listening anymore, though.

Lurvene looks up at her husband. "What do you think?"

"I think it's bullshit. I think it's blasphemy and bullshit," Jessie Ray answers. "Let's go."

As the crowd moans and tries to figure out whether to flee or help, Lurvene asks Jessie Ray, "Whatcha wanna do? You wanna just go home?" They pass the Washington Monument and they can hear Lincoln cry out, "Oh, shit," as he pulls out and cums on Beck's face.

"Seems a shame to waste a trip," says Jessie Ray.

"Yeah."

"Smithsonian?"

"I think we've had enough history for one day."

"Chinatown?"

"Makes sense." And Lurvene and Jessie Ray head off for dim sum.