Famly Research Council: God's Gonna Get Pissed Because of LGBT Pride Month

This week, the Super-Duper Prayer Team of the nutzoid evangelical Christian group, the Family Research Council (motto: "If we can find a way to awkwardly wedge God into something, you can be sure we will"), was told to be careful. Something's coming and who the fuck knows how pissed off the Big G is gonna get over it. The Rude Pundit joined the Super-Duper Prayer Team years ago under a nom de rude, and each week he receives Bible porn in his inbox informing him of what we should be obsessing about while working that prayer bone like we're strangling it.

The latest missive to the SDPT warns us of an upcoming event: LGBT Pride Month and LGBT Pride Day. Of course, the email writes those with quotation marks around them, as if they are the so-called "LGBT Pride" day and month. Apparently, LGBT people are "those who self-identify as homosexuals," as if gaydar is totally not a thing. And LGBT Pride Day - sorry - "LGBT Pride Day" is being held on the same day as the FRC's "Call 2 Fall," June 29, "the very day believers and churches across America will fall to their knees to pray for our nation." Seriously, a lot of ink could be saved if they just joined forces and called it "Get On Your Knees" Day. It's a shame that the "Call 2 Fall" changed its fellatiorific logo, though.

Anyway, when it comes to Big, Gay Day, "President Obama will announce the observance and the White House, federal agencies, the Pentagon, many state agencies, many businesses and like-minded organizations across America will join the celebration," which is gonna get us all f'ed in the a by an angry Lord. "Only heaven knows exactly how this brazen departure from the moral law of God will impact our nation," we're told. But, ah, wait, there's a team of heroes ready to fall on our knees at the drop of a pink hat: "[W]e are called to intercede with an Almighty God."

And whatever shall we pray? What could we say to an invisible sky wizard? Send us some fire and shit? Should we ask for his wrath to be a bit more selective than the Flood or at Sodom and its suburb, Gomorrah? Here's what we should pray: "May the Lord hear out intercessions stop the advance of this official celebration of sin!" Yeah, stop the advance! It's advanced enough! No more advancing, you hear?

Gotta tell ya. That's a pretty lame-ass prayer. It's the beseeching equivalent of saying, "Please stop hitting me" while curled on the ground. Can we get some smiting up in this motherfucker?

As always, we are provided with Bible verses to assist us in prayturbation. Let's see. We've got Hebrews 13:4: "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." The Rude Pundit's not really sure how that applies to LGBT Pride. In fact, read one way, it seems to say, "Hey, everyone get married and stay away from them whores." And the previous verse says, "Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body," so instead of condemning people, maybe we should be nice to them? And then it says a few verse later to burn the bodies of beasts you sacrifice for blood outside the temple. The fuck?

Oh, the ways of God and all that shit...

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