George W. Bush - Fluffer-in-Chief:

The Rude Pundit knew a man whose job was to be a fluffer on the sets of porn films. See, a fluffer's job is to hand and/or blow job the male porn stars to erection so that when they enter the scene in order to fuck the men or women awaiting the aforementioned erection. See, foreplay is not a big part of pornos. Let's call this fluffer "Ulysses" because of the odyssey his day was before he went home to his partner and all the one-eyed monsters he had to deal with.



Anyone can, in essence, be a fluffer, Ulysses said. 'Cause for most guys, a pair of lips around their cranks and it's rocket time. But a really good fluffer knows that half his (or her) job is psychological. It's being able to grab a cock for all you're worth and yank while saying, "God, you are so big, you are so huge, what a gigantic dick you have, lemme feel those balls, tea bag me, yeah, man, tea bag me." Ulysses worked on the fringes of the main porn industry, in a lot of indy porn, where burnt-out porn freaks, so strung out on drugs that Ulysses'd go through a couple of Chap-Sticks a day just trying to keep some old fuck hard long enough to get through one threesome and a rim job while jackin' off.



Eventually, and this is where most guys, especially, get out of being in front of the camera and begin to direct porn, the hard-ons aren't as hard and no amount of fluffing is gonna bring 'em to the point of coming. It's sad, really, Ulysses said, seein' these coked-out motherfuckers screaming at their flaccid cocks, "C'mon, you little bitch, get a boner. A boner, pleeeaase" as some lubed-up, leaky implanted stoned chick tries to stay awake long enough for the scene not to look like rape. Still, though, Ulysses is on his knees, yankin' and suckin' for all he's worth, massagin' that prostate, tellin' the guy, "You are so goddamn huge."



When our President, this George Bush, stands up in front of an audience of adoring onlookers and begins to spout off about how much more "secure" the country is, what is he but America's fluffer. Here he is in King of Prussia (ironically enough), PA yesterday, at one of his little "meetings" or, in the popular parlance, "circle jerks," speaking about John Kerry, "You cannot lead the war against terror if you wilt or waver when times get tough. You cannot expect the Iraqi people to stand up and do the hard work of democracy if you're pessimistic about their ability to govern themselves." Bush may as well have been lubin' up his fingers for the reach around the ass of the American electorate, ready to shove two, three, four fingers up there to make 'em get hard and excited for Bush. "I'm driven by my desire to protect the American people. I'll be steadfast in my resolve to do everything I can to make you secure," he said, and he knows, he knows he's gettin' the public all hot to enter that voting booth and yank that fuckin' lever and cast their ballots for him. Otherwise, the elecorate cock will "wilt and waver" and that just ain't good for anyone.



It doesn't matter what the outside world is doing. Whether it's beheadings, the coming plunge into a religious war within Iraq, dead American soldiers, or a National Intelligence Estimate that says the best we can hope for in Iraq is a quagmire, if we're lucky. Bush just goes right on fluffing. He's one of those really great fluffers, the ones that do it 'cause they like the taste and feel of cock in their mouths. When Bush dismissed the CIA's NIE briefing with "they were just guessing," it was one more case of his refusal to allow anything to get in the way of keeping America hard. Goddamn, there's other nations to be fucked. If we're not sportin' wood, how in the world are we gonna get the fuckin' done?



George Bush carries a cushion with him for his knees. He's a busy, busy man.