Osama Spins His Eyes Again:
Let's get this clear up front: Osama bin Laden ain't a threat to you or me. He wasn't much to begin with - he got lucky a couple of times, like lightning does - and he will never be again. He is a bullshit pissant with good PR, an ersatz pedant who knows how to manipulate brains fucked up by decades of poverty, war, and religious fanaticism. By the way, who fuckin' dyed his beard? Looks like Groucho Marx got stranded on a desert island.

And, however much you wanna hype the threat, al-Qaeda is just a bunch of random backwards ass goatfuckers with weapons who get together in the cave and talk about how cool it'd be to blow up shit. Just get those fuckers some plasma screens and bootleg copies of Halo 3, along with regular blow jobs, and there'd be fuckin' peace. Besides, what exactly is "al-Qaeda"? It's really just a convenient term to not sound racist or anti-Muslim, the "inner city" of global politics. When some group of stooges hangs out in a shithole in Indonesia or Miami or Iraq, they call themselves "al-Qaeda" to sound badass. It's like when a half dozen pissed-off white kids in Omaha put on gang colors and call themselves the "Greek Town Bloods."

You know how you know someone is full of shit? They keep threatening you. The guy at the bar who says he's gonna kick your ass ain't shit compared to the quiet guy who just punches you in the face. If al-Qaeda could do anything, they'd do it. Otherwise it's all just bluster and bullshit. "Convert to Islam and we'll stop the war"? That's just playing to the suckers who listen to this sick rich fuck as if he's gonna lead them to the land of milk and virgins with figs in their cooters. It's sort of like the way Republicans keep making promises to fundamentalist Christians to make sure they got the holy votes. The rubes always turn to those who say what they wanna hear, no matter where those rubes happen to be. And before you turn up your nose at the idiots sitting in a toilet-less mountain village in Pakistan, remember that many of our fellow Americans are happy fuckin' rubes, too, reacting in a Pavlovian way to any suggestion that terror's about to rear its bearded head.

So when the White House calls bin Laden "impotent," or some Republican jack-off talks about how much Osama doesn't matter, sure, we'll give 'em that.

But here's the fuckin' deal on this September 12, six years later: Osama's a goddamn criminal. The head of a mob of killers as much as Pablo Escobar or Tony Soprano. And he should be treated as such, hunted down and imprisoned. The fact that he hasn't been captured is as big a disgrace to this country as the Iraq war. It's the kind of dishonor that'd force men with any sort of dignity to resign. Fuck, with the Bush administration's constant refrain that the past must be ignored and not investigated and that we have to concentrate on the present because the future is just a hypoethtical, it almost seems as if the statute of limitations has passed on mass murder.