Why Glenn Beck Needs to Be Repeatedly Cock-Punched (Common Sense Edition):
No, no, not because he's the Mormon mad hatter who pollutes the cesspool known as Fox "news" even more than Steve Doocy or Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity, like the e coli in the turds floating in the water. And not because he let go unchallenged the assertion by Michael Scheuer, oozing in the guest chair like a hairy cyst, that al-Qaeda needs to blow the shit out of Someplace, USA in order for the nation to see that paranoia and bugfuck militarization is the only path. And not because Beck's smug, pudgy face, like Karl Rove mated with a scrub brush, seems to demand routine beatings.

No, it's because the profit-mongering prophet of American doom, who claims his new "book" (if by "book," you mean, "a large-fonted, white-space-filled stream of consciousness vomit that'd make James Joyce in his Finnegan's Wake days say, 'That makes no fucking sense'"), titled Common Sense, is based on Thomas Paine's pamphlet of the same name, just threw the badass founder under the bus.

Stirring the big pot of stupid that is his research, Beck ranted last night about some damn French book called The Coming Insurrection, which, Beck says, is "a call to arms for violent revolution, authored anonymously by a French group called the Invisible Committee who want to bring down capitalism." Now, you may say that it seems capitalists are doing a good enough job bringing down capitalism so completely that, like watching Jerry Lewis attempt to clean dishes, it's probably best to just stay out of the way, but then again, you are probably not a fucking moron. (And if you are, let the Rude Pundit say to you, "Yes, pudding is tasty.")

Before we get all high-mindedly upset that Beck would dare condemn one group for calling for violence for political change while allowing that gelatinous mold spore known as Michael Sheuer spit forth, let's put that aside and instead concentrate on this (follow the bouncing ball for a moment - it will lead you to the desire to punch a man in the taint): Beck says at one point, "This is the anti-Common Sense, where I call for peaceful protest." He's referring to his Common Sense, not Paine's.

In his Common Sense, Beck includes the entirety of Paine's because that way he doesn't have to write as much. And he frames Paine's 1776 publication in this way: "Paine asked simple questions and encouraged his fellow citizens to look at America's problems and its future with fresh eyes and a healthy dose of simple logic." Then, on page 90 of his "let's all join hands and return to a day that never existed" pile of tripe, Beck says, "This is not a call to arms or violence." He does not note that Paine's was a call to violence, if necessary. In his book, that is, where he tries desperately to claim Paine for himself. Because it suits his purpose. Because he's a manwhore.

So last night, while blubbering about this new book from France (thus automatically making it evil), Beck said, and this needs to be quoted in full not because the context makes it clearer - it makes it head-slappingly hilariouser, "This book has not even been released in this country yet. It has been passed hand to hand and via the Internet, much like the pamphleteers in pre-revolution America. Thomas Paine was one of them. He issued a call to arms. I am not doing that. You are an idiot if you start shooting people — all that does is delegitimize the cause. Be like Ghandi, like Martin Luther King."

The reason Glenn Beck ought to be cock-punched repeatedly is because you can't model your allegedly anti-violence book after someone trying to rally Americans to violence in rebellion and then, when trying to make another simple-minded point, hang that very person out to dry by comparing him to the authors of what you just called "a dangerous leftist book." In other words, you can't support Thomas Paine and support Gandhi (that's Fox's misspelling of the name above). It pretty much means you don't understand either.

But, fuck, if you're Glenn Beck, you're crazier than a shit fight at a monkeyhouse, and if it'll sell more of your shit and boost your ratings among the apes, then who the fuck cares if it makes any logical fuckin' sense.

(Oh, and even though this appears to call for violence against Glenn Beck, it is not a call for violence against Glenn Beck. See how that works?)