Dave: A Lonely Glenn Beck Fan Contemplates the Future:
(With more than a few apologies to Eminem)

Dear Glenn,
I wrote you but you still ain't callin'.
I left my cell, my Gmail, and my address at the bottom
I sent two letters back in spring. You must not have got them
There probably was a problem at the post office.
You know how government workers are.

They're lazy and get too many benefits and should be privatized.
But anyways, the heck with it. What's been up, Glenn? How's your daughters?
My wife's pregnant. I'm about to be a father.
If I have a daughter, guess what I'm going to call her?
I'm going to name her "Ayn."

I read about George Soros, too. So sorry about your TV show.
I had a friend threaten to kill everyone at the Tides Foundation.
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan.
I even used my unemployment check to buy your books.

I got a room full of your posters and your 9/12 Project souvenirs.
I liked all the 8/28 stuff, too, and appreciated no follow-through.
Anyways, I hope you get this man, Facebook me, just to chat
Truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Dave.

Dear Glenn,
You still haven't called or wrote.
I hope you have the chance.
I'm not mad, I just think it's messed up that you don't answer fans.
If you didn't want to talk to me after the show,
you didn't have to, but you could have signed an autograph for Jesse.
That's my hunting partner. He's 45 years old and white.
We waited outside the Fox building in the heat for you for 4 hours
and they said you went out a back exit to a waiting limo.
That's pretty shitty, man. You're like his fuckin' idol.
He wants to be just like you, Glenn. He even cut his hair like you do.

I'm not that mad, though. I just don't like being lied to.
Remember how I subscribed to GBTV? You made it seem like you would talk
to us. See, I'm just like you in a way.
I never knew my father, neither.
And my mom once got me a sweater for Christmas, too.

I can relate to what you're saying on your shows.
So when I have a shitty day, I know I have to blame progressives and Van Jones.
'Cause I don't really got shit else since my factory
closed up and the jobs got shipped to Mexico, so your voice helps when I'm depressed.
I even got a tattoo with your name across my chest.
Sincerely yours, Dave. PS: I even got your Beck University videos.

Dear Mr. I'm-Too-Crazy-To-Even-Be-On-Fox,
This'll be the last package I ever send to this address.
It's been six months and still no word. I don't deserve it.
I know you got my last two letters. I used Federal Express.

I'm in the car right now. I'm doing 90 on the freeway. Hey, Glenn, you
know how you're always talk about shooting or beating to death liberals?
Well, I'm heading to DC, Glenn. I got my gun and I'm gonna see which
ones I can take out. Nancy or Harry or Barney or even Barack. All the traitors
you say are ruining America. I'm gonna take it back for you because
they're taking you away. I hope you know I ripped all your
pictures off the wall so they couldn't trace me to you.

When I'm done making the country better, I hope you dream about it.
And when you go to Israel, I hope you scream with joy about it.
Hey, Glenn, that's my local community organizer in the trunk.
But I didn't slit her socialist throat,
I just tied her up because
if she suffocates, she'll suffer more,
then she'll die too.
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the Potomac River bridge now.
See you on the internet,
Dave