Christie Internal Review Report: "Bitches Be Crazy"

Reading the report on the internal "investigation" of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, conducted by lawyers hired by "the governor's office," but not representing the governor, per se (which means their fee could be paid by the citizens of New Jersey), the inescapable conclusion is that, when it comes to the George Washington Bridge traffic and Sandy funds for Hoboken scandals, poor, innocent Chris Christie is just a victim of all these crazy bitches trying to fuck his shit up.

You got the spurned, sex-starved bitch, former Christie aide Bridget Anne Kelly. The report says, "Kelly’s personal life may have had some bearing on her subjective motivations and state of mind." She was totally fucked up because she had a "hospitalized family member." And then there was all that Bill Stepien cock. Yeah, she and Christie's former campaign manager were all up in each other's hoo-hahs with the boning. But, sadly, it ended, and apparently Kelly, being a crazy bitch, was just hungry for more cock: "[H]er first known communication to [creepy motherfucker David] Wildstein about the lane realignment in mid-August 2013, for example, occurred around the time that her personal relationship with Stepien had cooled, apparently at Stepien’s behest and Stepien and Kelly had largely stopped speaking. Indeed, that fact may have affected how Kelly and Stepien conducted themselves and whether they communicated about the lane realignment."

In other words, Kelly was so cock-mad and so hurt by his breakup with her that she decided to take out her righteous anger at men and her obvious sexual frustration by saying to Wildstein, "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee."

Holy shit. Maybe the whole thing was a misunderstanding. What if that was actually code for Wildstein to fuck her? What if she called her pussy "Fort Lee"? And "traffic problems" meant getting her snatch congested with Wildstein's dick? And maybe Wildstein, not used to a booty call, just completely got it wrong and, instead of getting his nut off on Kelly, caused a four-day traffic snarl on an entrance to the busiest bridge in the country? Oh, fuck: Bridget/bridge? It all makes sense now. Of course, Christie couldn't know anything about it (except when Wildstein told him, but, oops, slipped his mind).

As for Hoboken Mayor Dawn Zimmer's allegation that the Christie administration said her town could go fuck itself for Sandy recovery funds if she didn't approve a development deal, man, that bitch is totally crazy: "the subjective perceptions she may have do not match objective reality, as reflected in the hard evidence uncovered during our investigation."

How real is reality? Well, Zimmer said that the Rockefeller Group's development project was "backed by lawyers she perceived as close to the Governor." How crazy does a bitch have to be to think that a law firm named for Port Authority Chair David Samson, appointed by Chris Christie, might be close to the governor? Man, she must be out of touch with the world if she believes that, as the report says about lobbyists for the Rockefeller Group, "former members of the Christie Administration" might be close to the governor? Bitches and their bitch-eyed perceptions, right?

Yeah, even the Lieutenant Governor saw how this bitch was when she wasn't intimidating Zimmer at all: "the Lieutenant Governor recalled having to be firm with Mayor Zimmer and being frustrated with Mayor Zimmer’s single-minded focus on Hoboken, as Mayor Zimmer was failing to recognize the needs of the State as a whole." See? You put a crazy bitch in charge of a city, and she just gets all up in your shit about her town's needs. Man, give a bitch the tip, she just wants it all.

And as for the allegation that another official, Commissioner Richard Constable, tried to get Zimmer to approve the project at a televised town hall? Well, the report shows you, in a series of photographs, just how wild-eyed and crazy that bitch was. "The next photograph at 7:37 p.m. and one second is a little blurry but appears to show Mayor Zimmer talking with her mouth open and both of her hands lifted in the air." Later, a photo shows Zimmer yawning, and the report concludes, "A person does not normally yawn when being threatened, coerced, or spoken to improperly." The logic is impeccable.

We cannot blame Chris Christie for all the way that crazy bitches act crazy. And while the report doesn't offer any reason as to why Kelly would have ordered the bridge closure or why Zimmer would have made the allegations against the Christie administration, the answer is obvious: Chicks, you know? 'Cause the alternative is that Christie is a lying sack of shit up to his eyeballs in lies trying to desperately rescue the hot air balloon of his political career from plummeting to earth.

Who are you gonna trust? An upstanding, calm, reasonable, bipartisan individual like Chris Christie? Or someone with a vagina?

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