A Mash Note For Tony Snow:
Oh, Tony Snow, you disarmingly smiley sucker of cock, yes, you wrote this week about how all over the media you have been told who you are, what you do, and where you can stick this spiky dildo the Rude Pundit keeps on hand for chatty little tools like you. Oh, sweet Tony, how you write about "venom" and "insult" in contemporary media, as if asking for everyone to be nice to you as you ascend to the position of lead scornmonger of the sneering Bush administration. But, seriously, Tony, now that you have to shift your head from Rupert Mudoch's rotting crotch to George W. Bush's, come up for a breath while you have a chance, for, indeed, the President likes to be blown right after he's done biking for the day. So you won't be long for fresh air in this life.

Of course you'll fit right in with the cretinous pseudo-utopians at the White House, you who so recently opined about the resurrection of Christ at Easter, "It is too preposterous, too outrageous, too incredible not to be true, and not to be the key to a much larger truth." Goddamn right, and it's that kind of fine, fine syllogistic thinking that'll keep us battling WMD chimeras and nuclear phantoms until we're tossing abstinence-only-trained virgins into pits of fire to appease unseen, unknown gods.

And, Tony, you know that if those girls aren't virgins just what to do should they get pregnant. Writing about how cool it was that South Dakota completely outlawed abortion, you said it was awesome that the state had rejected "the popular rape-and-incest exception." Explaining this seemingly cruel, vicious, and punitive action, you justified, "If one argues that a woman would suffer trauma by bringing such babies to term, what would prevent other women from citing trauma as an equally cogent reason for their abortions? Trauma introduces an obligation to pay special heed to the victims of rape or incest." And we wouldn't wanna do that. Bitch gets raped by Daddy, bitch is becomin' mom and grandma at once, right, Tony? (Yes, you do offer the humane hand-out of "counseling," which is not unlike offering a mint to someone who got run over by a car.)

Motherfucker, you are hardcore. The Rude Pundit bets that in the locker room at Fox "News," when you creep in to listen to Hume, Hannity, and O'Reilly talk about how nutzoid right wing they're gonna be that day, you figure out how to go even nuttier. You're like the craziest hooker at the whorehouse, the one who knows she's not the prettiest, not the tightest pussy, but she wants to be the most popular whore there so she decides she's the one who'll do any fuckin' kind of fucking that people ask. Someone wants the snowball, hot Karl, dirty Sanchez, felching mudslide, golden showers, and/or pukey Jack, you are the go-to girl. You may go back to your room every morning covered in cum, shit, piss, blood, and/or Crisco, but no other piece of ass is gonna out-fuck you.

In one fuckin' column, you called removing the feeding tube from a comatose girl "capital punishment," used a fraudulent researcher as a way of discrediting embryonic stem cell research, and paid tribute to the "March for Life" in D.C. Shit, man, toss in your great big Christmas "Tony loves the Jesusbaby" column, and, dude, the base just got itself a little hors d'oeuvre to keep its tummy quiet until the midterms.

And the worst part of it all, Tony, is that when you were at Fox "News," you got paid by your pimps for the quality of your rim jobs. Now, the Rude Pundit's helping to pay your fuckin' salary, as is every tax-shoveling American. Yup, we're paying you to abuse the press, lie to us, and pretend you have the interests of more than one man at heart. Just like back at the old job.