Republicans Hate the Children:
Why do Republicans hate the children so much? Why must they take joy in seeing the children suffer? Why do they want to rape the children, putting their foul Republican penises in the innocent orifices of the children, masturbating furiously in Republican rage at images of the children? Why, God, Jesus, Allah, whoever, or no one, why do Republicans want the children to die of brain tumors by forcing them to go to inferior hospitals? Why do Republicans want the children of the poor to starve and then receive little or no medical care? Why do Republican judges want to strip search them and/or send them to jail for eating french fries on the subways of the mighty cities? It should make us all weep, weep, the Rude Pundit says, bitter tears at the craven depravity with which Republicans assault the children on a continual basis.

For instance, what kind of fucked up pit o' pedophilia is running out of the Department of Homeland Security, where creepy deputy press secretary Brian Doyle worked before being arrested for (among other things) soliciting nude pictures from a 14-year old girl (who, in a motif for the day, was said to have been a cancer survivor) who happened to really be a male Florida detective with larger boobs than the fantasy adolescent might have had; where the guy who ran DHS's Operation Predator, assigned to catch child sex criminals, Frank Figueroa, pleaded no contest to charges that he jacked off in front of a 16 year old girl for ten minutes at an Orlando mall (the kicker here being that he had been arrested before in 1977 for a similar crime in New York); and Michael Burks, begging a cop for mercy and swearing on his St. Michael medallion that he wasn't gonna fuck a child in California. Wondering if the agents of the DHS are gonna fuck your kids is a little like wondering if your vet's gonna fuck your dog - sure, it's possible, but you kinda trust it not to happen or else what are you gonna believe in this paranoid world?

But it's not just fucking the children that make Republicans such haters. Sanctimonious bag of douche Curt Weldon, the bugfuck insane Representative from Pennsylvania, criticized his Democratic opponent, Joe Sestak, for getting treatment for his 5-year old daughter for brain cancer at a Washington, DC hospital as opposed to a Pennsylvania one. This would be the same Curt Weldon who said he would release an "army of Curt" on Sestak. Although, when speaking of Weldon, one might be better off saying an "army of cunt," since Weldon cast the deciding vote in the House in favor of the savage budget that cut food stamps, Medicaid, and student loans, among other things that might have helped the children.

But, really, he's just acting like a Republican, is he not? People who would like to break up families because the children are Americans and the parents are not, who want to arrest kids for listening to bad music or writing bad things. People who would, it seems, rather trawl the Internet, looking for children to exploit, rape, and abuse.

(By the way, this massive extrapolation on innate Republican child hatred is brought to you via the "logic" of Ann Coulter, who, in her latest column - if by "column," you mean "pathetic gurgles of a choad-drinker" - says, "Liberals spit out all these names [like Tom DeLay] with more venom than they've ever been able to muster for names like 'Saddam Hussein' and 'Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.'" In such a Coulteresque world of hyperbole, applied to Republicans, one could say that Dick Cheney fucks the corpses of Sunni children killed by white phosphorous while Donald Rumsfeld gets his prostate tickled by the tiny tongues of ululating Afghani boys and George Bush enjoys a nice fellating from Mexican girls who offer to lick his balls for citizenship.)