God Does Not Want Rick Perry to Run for President:

Essentially, God has said a big, giant "Fuck you, fucker" to Texas Governor Rick Perry, despite his desperate attempts to Eddie Haskell his way into the Lord's favor. Yeah, Perry did use the office of the governor to call for prayer back in April to end the epic drought there. And just this last weekend, he was the hostess with the mostest at "The Response," his grand prayer meeting in Houston. As described by the Family Research Council (motto: "If our leader, Tony Perkins, isn't on TV at least once a week, Baby Jesus cries"), "The event was marked by the obvious sincerity of the participants, the unmistakable presence of God, and a sense of God's pleasure in the first Solemn Assembly of its kind in modern American history." Or, in other words, they just made up a bunch of shit.



Evidence shows quite the opposite. For all the praymaking being made in the Lone Star State seems to have added up to a big goddamned zero. And here's the easiest way to demonstrate it:



That drought prayer? Yeah, well, ask Big Spring how that's worked out. The drought is so severe that the West Texas town is "is considering recycling toilet water for its 27,000 residents." Now, you'd think that, for God to so forsake a place that they have to drink poopwater to survive, the town must be an atheist-devil-worshiping hellscape. Oh, it's a hellscape (drought, you know). But, in a totally unfair use of Google maps, we can say with certainty that there's approximately a fuckload of churches in Big Spring. And you can be pretty damn certain that they don't let the gays marry.



So is God just fucking with Texas? Why has his dry wrath forced Big Springers to drink pee?



There can be only one answer: God is furious that Gov. Rick Perry is probably going to run for president. And since just smiting the shit out of Perry is too easy, God decided to play Let's-Make-Texas-Into-Somalia. Ain't God a tricky bastard?



See, the desiccated land of Texas represents the empty soul of the Republican Party. And how soulless would Rick Perry have to be to abandon his state during one of the worst events in its entire history (and that's including the business ventures of George W. Bush)? No, there's not a fuck of a lot that Perry can do about the drought. But there's a Palin-like self-glorification going on when you tell the yokels who voted for you that you're too busy to deal with their pain.



Yeah, the Rude Pundit can't wait for pictures of Rick Perry downing champagne at a fundraiser with the Koch brothers juxtaposed with the churchgoing sewage drinkers of Big Spring.