Stories Not Mentioned in Dick Cheney's New Memoir:

1. During sex with Lynne, he has his own version of autoerotic asphyxiation. As she's fucking away on top of him, just before he orgasms, she pulls the battery out of his artificial heart. It's a huge turn-on, the beeping alarm, the unstable fluttering "heartbeat," like some kind of rusted steampunk villain. If the timing is right, and it rarely is, just as the last blood is flowing through his arteries, Cheney will come in waves.



Once, just recently, Lynne was startled by daughter Liz walking in on her parents to check to see if a document should go in the shredder or the "fuck you, fuckers" blackmail safe. Madame Cheney dropped the battery, which led to an awkward scene of Liz and her nude mom scrambling to find it and shove it back into the power pack of very naked Dick as he sprayed them both with spooge. Instead of "Thank you," the post-coital former vice president looked at his sticky wife and child and said, "Shoulda left it out for just a few more seconds. Woulda been the best load I've blown in ages."



2. When he was just a child, his father was home on leave from the military. He was delighted when Dad and his soldier buddies would have cookouts and play games with him. Upon receiving a pony ride on the back of one of the men, Young Dick declared to himself, "I will do everything in my power for the rest of my life to avoid being in the military, yet I will make sure that I am in a position where soldiers will do my bidding, no matter how ridiculous or destructive."



3. At a party at the White House during the Ford administration, he got into a drunken brawl with the CIA Director's coked-up son over who was going to decide on the next 8-track on the stereo. Cheney broke a vase over the man's head, yelling, "Mantovani, you bastard," and was kicking his skull repeatedly until Ford tackled Cheney and suggested that he should run for Congress. The CIA Director's son was hospitalized for weeks. It has been suggested secretly that the man never recovered from the brain damage he received during the beating, as revealed by his serial failure at every career he ever attempted.



4. The real reason he voted against the creation of Martin Luther King Day? He hates black people. (See criticism of Powell, Colin, and Rice, Condoleezza.)



5. Best thing about his job at Halliburton? All the Iraqi children he could bone, sent personally by Saddam Hussein. Best thing about being Vice President? Making sure that Saddam was silenced.



6. Sometimes, in the darkest part of the darkest nights in Wyoming, when there's no moon and clouds have blocked off the stars and Milky Way from the eye's view, Dick Cheney gets contemplative. Some men might reflect on the evil that they took part in; they might think about their errors, their overreactions, their failures; they might regret blithe and active cruelties; men who have been destructive might ponder how they may spend their remaining days trying to compensate for the wreckage.



Not Dick Cheney. No, in those dark times, he thinks about all the things he didn't get to do: bombing Syria and Iran, the sweet smell of burnt flesh that would have been left behind; the men and women and children that weren't waterboarded in order to get them gasping lies that might contain the smallest particle of truth about threats small and large; the places on earth that he didn't get to despoil with oil drilling in order to drive up profits for freedom, sweet American crude freedom.



Of course, he has his photos. And when he's feeling down about all he didn't accomplish he takes out his stack of photos, the only sound the purring of his heart pump, and he looks over the pictures of the detainees tortured in the black ops sites, the burnt testicles, the bloodied faces and assholes, the bruised feet and torsos. He smiles his stroke victim smirk as he reaches into his pants to begin masturbating, one hand on his battery, ready to do right for himself what no one else could have done.