Why Glenn Beck Ought to Be Repeatedly Cock-Punched (Yes, Even in the Hospital):
Now that Glenn Beck's internal organs have decided, like a Michele Bachmann staff member, "Get me the fuck away from this crazy fucker" and rebelled against their host body, it is perhaps a good time to beat him while he's down.

On his radio show yesterday, before his appendix went rogue on the rest of his abdomen, Beck offered a simple excuse as to why conservative Doug Hoffman lost to Democrat Bill Owens in the NY-23 congressional race: Hoffman's a poin. Beck said, "He is not electric at all...I like him, but he is not, he's not flashy. He's an accountant eight weeks ago that nobody even knew, a complete unknown." And then Beck repeats this over and over, that Hoffman is an accountant who was "double-teamed" by Owens and Republican drop-out Dede Scozzafava.

To be fair, Beck never assumed Hoffman was going to win. On his TV show on Tuesday, he said, "Hoffman wins or loses, it doesn't matter." Because he sees that accountant who couldn't answer a question about local issues as a harbinger of things to come. "If the political parties don't hold themselves accountable, don't stop the out-of-control spending, those who love me, those who hate me, those who love Sarah Palin, and quite frankly, those who would like to put her in a cave with a really hungry grizzly bear will vote all of you out," he offered.

His erotic ursine fantasies about Palin aside, there comes a point when you actually break down how a Beck rant progresses where you realize that not only does he not know where he's going, he doesn't give a flying fuck. Because earlier, in that same rant, he said, "I mean, I really don't care about local politics all that much." And, since Hoffman took after the man he called his "mentor," it's another reason Hoffman lost. Not because Bill Owens brought the non-accountant thunder and excitement, but because he actually gave a shit about the district. (And, you know, lived there.)

But none of this matters to Beck. He says as much. All that matters is the imposition of his deranged 9/12er ideology, a political philosophy that's closer to anarchy than Emma Goldman could have ever dreamed. Beck doesn't even give a fuck if he knows who is running. From his radio show, regarding the New York City mayoral race: "Sarah, what's the name of the guy that [Bloomberg] was running against? Do you even know?" When he's told it's Bill Thompson, he responds in what might be a racist dig, "I thought it was Robinson. I had no idea." On Tuesday, on his TV show, he sputtered, "Christie -- what's his face -- running for governor there in New Jersey."

If Beck is being honest and if, as he professes, he doesn't care about candidates being Republican, then, hey, good luck with that, Republicans. If the tea partyers are willing to turn on you, you're fucked, because they're easily distracted by shiny objects, like Palin's glasses or Rush Limbaugh's fucking bizarrely white teeth.

Fuck, man, these are people who think the shit Beck says makes sense. No, it doesn't. Not in any realm of the English language. Here's how he wrapped up that election day monologue: "And all you politicians who think you're going to ride the wave of this 9/12 movement, hey, if I can pretend I'm like them, I can get elected. Really? You go ahead and try it. You try to continue the same old stuff, and if you do, you better look out, because not only are 9/12ers and tea partygoers willing to take off their shoes, they're willing to take off their boots, and they'll put it where the sun doesn't shine."

That's kind of awesome. The image Beck leaves you with is of pudgy, barefooted retards trying to manually shove footwear into the rectum of politicians who claim to be on their side.

Note: If you haven't seen The Onion's take on Beck, just watch it and laugh, especially now that his appendix has attacked him.